Embrace The Mystery °

Brilla Hermoso

2010-04-27T18:15:00.000+08:00

http://brillahermoso.blogspot.com

You can't feel anything that you're heart don't want to feel

2009-04-12T11:48:00.007+08:00

"Are we humans, or are we dancers?"
There are two choices. To be human and to have the opportunities that humans do, but to hide our feelings, or to be a dancer - to lay your feelings bare - to wear your heart on your sleeve, but the bliss can't last long.

My life has been pretty much the same, school dance homework diploma dance, and on weekends, I get to have fun (by having movie marathons with baby). Last week was horrible, i could not contact baby for like 10 days at all and I miss him a lot; dance has become more intensive and vigorous, pushing me and the rest of the dancers beyond their limits (I broke down during dance, and usually don't do that, it was really gruesome and painful, i have like swollen knees now); as a result of the late dance practices, i reached home late every night, a standard time of 9.30, which made my parents fuming mad because they didn't believe me that CCAs could end so late. Parents, they're so ignorant sometimes. And i have to run from investiture rehearsal then to dance practice, then back to investiture rehearsal; with the tiredness of having so many activities and emotions pulling you apart, its no wonder that I can't really focus on my schoolwork and revising my work for A's, the most is just doing my homework, even that I can't complete.

While baby's away, dance has been keeping me super busy everyday (like for at least 6 days a week). We're suppose to smile throughout the entire dance, but its so hard to do so when you're in pain after doing continuous rounds of the dance itself, and you're energy level just sharply drop when you're overwhelmingly tired. You feel like crying but you can't show that to the instructors because they'll think you're weak. I guess that's life for you.
(Wendy made a joke when the both of us sat out during PE due to our muscle cramps; "If I were to die soon and I have one minute left to live on this earth, I'll give you my best expression," and she did gave me her best expression of serenity and happiness, along with our dance pose.)

This coming week is gonna be an eventful one (since baby's back, I am so ever greatful for the surprise appearance during yesterday's lunch with the dancers), 16th monthsary on Monday, both dance practice and investiture rehearsal on Monday and Tuesday, Investiture on Wednesady, SYF on Thursday, Friday I get to go home early for the first time in the year, and Saturday I'll turn to a ripe nineteen-year-old.

Trillions of thank you-s and appreciation to Joyce, Maria and Darwina for helping me through this horrible weak, and to others too whom gave me some encouragement, to the modern dancers, we will be victorious. And to baby, nothing has changed the way I feel about you, I'm still very much in love with you.

Have a great week ahead =)

Love is Me and *You

2009-02-15T12:09:00.005+08:00

From my beloved Fariz Paki;

LOVE IS ME AND YOU

Love is lots of things to me.
Love is doing things together.
Love's like candy.
Love is fun and a challenge too...

Love is sunshine smiling on our days, and when it rains it's still ok.
Love is lots of things, but mostly...
Love is me and you.

I love you as you are.
I love you as you will be.
I love you because there's this little part of me (my heart)...
that tells me that you and I...
were simply and always meant to be.

YOU WERE MEANT FOR ME

I have traveled many miles across the shining , shining sea...
I have seen many worlds go down, and other lives spent happily... But the only answer that I've found in all these places that I've seen is that I was meant for you, and you were meant for me...
I've followed hopes and hearts and I have wondered aimlessly. I have met strangers in strange places, chased after stranger dreams...
But the only certainty I've found... the only thing I'll ever see... is that I was meant for you, and you were meant for me.

IN MY HEART

You don't have to be perfect to belong in this place. You don't have to have all the answers or always know the right thing to say...
You can climb the highest mountain if you want. Or quietly imagine that you might someday. You can take chances or take safety nets, make miracles or make mistakes...
You don't have to be composed at all hours to be strong here. You don't have to be bold or certain to be brave. You don't have to have all the answers here or even know who you want to be...
just take my hand and rest your heart and stay awhile with me.

I'D DO ALMOST ANYTHING FOR YOU

For example, I would clean your house.
I might also wash your car.
I'd get you some special chocolates.
Or pocket you a star...
I would walk ten miles to see you.
Or else I'd take the train.
I would give you everything I have.
I'd give you everything I've got...
Anyway, to do all these things... I must like you a lot. (I do.)

I love the way you look at me..
I love the way you smile.
I love it when we walk along together for a while.
I love the things you say to me...
I love the things you do.
Mostly, what I mean to say is say is simply...
I love you.

A PLACE IN YOUR HEART

I would like to have a house with a window to the sea and a tiny garden right outside. I'd sit out front and listen to the trees and smile as the world went by...
I would like to have a place with a window to your heart, so I would know what you are feeling all the time. I'd watch your days and listen to your dreams and give you part of everything that's mine...
I would like to have a house with a window to the sea and a place in your heart next to mine. I'd give you my only key, so you could come and visit anytime...
I would like to give you a place in my heart right next to the wind and the sea. I'd sit outside on the front porch to wait...
and smile when I saw you coming.

WITHOUT YOU

Without you, I would not grow so much or laugh so much or know so much.
Without you, I would not play so much or make so much of home...
Without you, I would not smile so much or give so much or live so much. So many parts of me would be missing... without your smile to help me grow.

If I linger a little too long... or I can't find the right words to say... If I dilly or dally or stand my ground acting silly when I see you and I can't just walk away...
If I smile and my smile comes out all wrong... and I no longer know what to do... It's just that I start to forget myself every time I look at you.

I LOVE YOU DEARLY...

I hold you fondly in my heart...
and I love how you are a part...
of my life,
every day.

Before you came my way...
my life was okay...
but not that grand or anything-
it wasn't complete.
Why?
Because you were missing.

ON LOVE

What is the exact definition of love, I wonder. The dictionary says that 'love', a noun, means "deep affection" or fondness. It also says "love" means "to admire", "delight in", and "greatly cherished"...
"(My) love" is a "person of whom one is fond." And "to fall in love" is "to suddenly begin to love - to become enamored of..."
Although all these things are true ( I delight in, admire and cherish you), I don;t think love is anything you can find in the dictionary really...
... it's just something you know for certain in your heart.

Love is a rocket shooting into space...
Love is a pocket of daisies.
Love is the distance hearts are willing to go...
Love is "I'll be there for you"...
always - not maybe...
Love is a heart drawn in marker on your jeans.
Love is initials carved into a tree...
Love is lots of different things.
But to me, love is mostly...
having you.

When I don't feel like feeling or trying at all...
When life looks too hard and the road seems too long...
When I'm broken into a hundred pieces and can't face one more mile...
You pick me up and put me back together and make me smile.

THANK YOU FOR BEING THERE FOR ME

Thank you for riding through the rough waters of change with me.
Thank you for holding my hand.
And thank you for waiting...

Thank you for believing in me when I pushed you away. Thank you for taking the time to help me find the way. Thank you for standing beside me. Thank you for each day you were there for me...
Thank you for being there when I needed you the most.

The day you came into my life...
the sun shone brighter,
the flowers opened wider...
the stars spun in the sky, and my heart was happy.
(I'm glad to know you.)

ALWAYS REMEMBER

Always remember I love you in February, April, and May; in December and all through winter.
In spring, and through long summer days...
Always remember I love you, and when I am far away... know that you are close to my heart...
from the start, no one could ever take your place.

I feel very lucky to have found you...
and to spend my days walking along with you...
and to make my way knowing that you are there for me, too...

I'm a little bit more in love with you each morning when I wake up.
I'm a little bit more in love with you every time you say my name...
I'm a little bit more in love with you every time you walk into the room.
I'm a little bit more in love with you every day.

I love you today and I'll love you tomorrow...
I love you in good times and I'll love you in sorrow...
I will take you just the way you are or any way you choose to be...
Because I love you.

"FOR YOU"
Here... this is me.
This is everything I have.
This is all I've got...
My heart...

I give it to you.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

2009-01-25T21:32:00.017+08:00

School has been draggy, the long hours and mundane atmosphere seems to have an effect on everyone, but thank god for the company I have every day. I had an impromptu timed assignment on Pride and Prejudice, and I was in deep shit 'cause I haven't touched the book since last year's promos. I guess I really need a wake up call soon.

This picture is courtesy of Sara. Taken during CNY celebrations in school. We were having home tutor's period, and our home tutor gave us apples and bananas and oranges and love letters for breakfast that day.

Keith's creation during the handcraft making session. I'll let your imagination run wild.

On the same day I met up with baby. We hang out at a park around my place, just talk and admire each other, the way lovers do. I love hearing all his NS stories, there's always something interesting that will pop up albeit all the harsh trainings and all. Tekong makes school such a bore.

We spent time with each other talking at a playground till night, at one point of time my phone slipped out of his pocket and went down the slide. He attempted to retrieve it, and the results were as follows:

Yup, Fariz will still be Fariz, whether in army or not.

My most handsome and charming prince, and me, his mess.

And then we start came-whoring.

Speaking of cam-whoring, I found these pictures of my baby brother Khalid in my phone. At such a young age, he brought out the narcissist in him.

Strike one, he's suppose to look at his camera not mine.

Strike two, okay that's better.

Strike three, poor boy, he got his camera facing the wrong way.
Notice how his hand is up as he poses? He is so adorable.

I went to my friend's solemnisation recently. The funny thing was, the groom had to rush off for his soccer match after the ceremony. What a way to end one of the most important day of your life.

I teared during the ceremony, time slips by so fast, like 10 years ago I was holding hands with the bride in primary school as we make our way down to the canteen during recess. Now she's married and on her way to become a woman (while I'm still stuck in school). Sometimes, I do get jealous of my friends whom already graduated from JCs, leaving me to serve one more year in school and taking my major exam. But this is what I chose to do with my left, and all I have to do is make the best out of it.

So near, yet so far

2009-01-13T18:37:00.006+08:00

07A3 PAE 2007
07A7 JAE 2007
07A2 2008

When I first came into MI, I thought that the friends I had in year one will stick by me through the end, you know like secondary school where almost everyone in the class gets promoted. I was wrong, I miss the friends I had in year one and year two, not seeing them on a daily basis makes me feel empty, the school nowadays (its only been two days!) seems more dead without those smiling faces and upbeat personality. But I guess that's how life goes.

Welcome to the new school term, to my third and final year, where everything seems so near yet so far.

I wanna hold his hand, maybe I'll just sing about it.

2008-12-28T20:02:00.006+08:00

Hello, Mr Tough Guy

Christmas Eve was spent at Angela's, she and her boyfriend Mervyn had invited us for dinner, plus Merv's childhood friend and his girlfriend, so there was 3 couples eating halal turkey and a wide range of side dishes. We all had a hard time cutting the turkey, none of us knew how to do it, so Merv took out 3 different knives and using a small fork, the turkey was in pieces in no time. The guys talked about NS days, since Fariz is going through right now and both Merv and his friend are 23, both with experiences in how to cheat-your-way-through. Angela passed me a stack of other school's prelim papers, and if that didn't scared me enough, I saw her billion notes all over her room (it's the post-exam thing where your notes are all over the place). Oh my, she takes the same combi as me except for GP, and she's from an acclaimed junior college. I was envious of her lit assignments 'cause she has tons of them! I mean I believe that the literature students in my school have a lack of practice, probably one of the reasons why we're not doing so well in that subject. And Angela has a lot of materials for literature, too bad we're not doing the same books.

So this A-level thing next year got me worried. Not only me but baby too (we plan to do the same degree and go for masters together). I barely can remember what I learnt for the past year and there's a lot of brushing up and 3 years of hard work crammed into 1.

The next two days was spent with baby, we watched The Kite Runner on my laptop.

In my opinion, I think I'm the suckiest girlfriend ever. I lied to him a couple of times, but its those little white lies to cover yourself from getting into trouble. I told him months back that I hadn't been really covering up (but I do now) and just weeks ago I lied about not going home alone late in the dark. It meant the world crashing down on him when I told him the truth, he took these seriously and I totally disappointed him. I felt super guilty afterwords.

Us being in a serious relationship, we were suppose to tell each other everything. There were other events recently happened that got him really mad about me. The most recent one was that I didn't tell him about this guy who've been hitting on me. He totally shot me down there, it affected the both of us very much. We have been fighting a lot, but there are an equal share, if not more happier times; what makes it worse is that he's away and we can't meet each other the very next day to make it up. Most of the fights are caused by me, my stupid mistakes, if not those fights get heated because of the both of us. I've learn from him to give in more, he usually ends the fights, while me still being hot-headed and stubborn would just prolonged it. But I guess I'm getting better at this patience-and-giving-in thing, but its a long way to go. His problem is not letting go of the past, but slowly and surely with my assurance and undying love for him, he'll get over that.

It's been two days since he booked in, these two days I've been sleeping in due to the cough medicine i took, reminiscing all those Saturdays at the Botanic Gardens. I miss having picnics there with baby, NS sucks, he agrees with me too, and right now my baby is spending his free time playing chinese chess while I finish up this post.

And just like that,watch the chemicals react

2008-12-23T19:53:00.005+08:00

"I heard you make keys as a hobby."
"Yes."
"Do you enjoy making keys?"
"Obviously."
- Marie Antoinette, 2006

I am down with fever, and I feel uber restless, I can't eat, I can't study, I can't really talk because my throat hurts, I feel really restless. I keep going to the toilet every 5 minutes, and and I manage to swallow a pill in ages. (I hate taking medicine, especially pills. I could never really swallow them, I'd always puke them out.)

Fariz baby has been such a dear, telling me constantly to take care of myself, he's been sneaking text messages to me, even though he's not suppose to over there.

My days have been filled with council stuff, orientation and induction over and over again, it's damn tiring when our creativity has been slammed down by the one who likes to talk about the plane analogy. The school is so rigid, it's super annoying and boring. Our plan B was to take random colours as clans : red, blue, yellow, green, since they wanted dynamism. Plan C was to name the clans after fruits : apple, orange, banana, pear. The theme; 'A Fruitful Year Ahead'.

Yesterday I suddenly received a message from a friend. I found out from another friend, whose brother is good friends with her brother, that she was pregnant about two months ago. She officially broke the news to me that she was 6 months pregnant. She filled me in in all the details, and what I've been missing out on. So today I accompanied her to the hospital for her regular check up. She wasn't the only young mother there, there were at least two to three others. I admire her spirit to move on from a mistake, firstly she's a Catholic, and like Islam, pre-marital sex is considered one of the biggest sins next to converting to another religion. The reason why she decided to tell me the big news kinda late (we've been good friends since primary school) is because when she just found out, it was very chaotic. She would tell me stories about her family and her church and how her friends would psycho her to abort the baby. Its almost settle now, she's keeping the baby, and they (her bf and her) are to wed next year.

Society is no doubt harsh on those who don't follow the norms. I could sense the people around us stealing stares and glares and whispers today. And I heard about teenage mothers keeping blogs to tell the whole world about what they are going through, from their boyfriends leaving them to the progress of their pregnancy, and there are people who are ignorant, saying all this mean things to these young mothers of how they are so shameless to tell the whole world what they did.

I don't think these girls chose to get pregnant, although I've come across youtube videos about 15 year-olds desperately wanting to have a baby 'cause all their friends have one, but things like this is unavoidable in reality, its a matter of how one handles the consequences.

The thing about my friend that I admire the most is how calm and collected she was at the hospital. .I was there like a noob, fascinated by the funny sounds that the sound scanner makes, anticipating for the scan pictures and look at the doctor in awe. The last time I experienced such stuff was when mommy got pregnant with Khalid 5 years ago. She tells me about her daily routine, the problems she was facing, I'm really glad that her family had come to accept the fact the she was going to have a child, it makes it a lesser burden for her. Before we parted, she invited both me and Fariz over, as well as to her ROM and church wedding. I hope her new lease of life would be a blissful one.

Happy Anniversary

2008-12-13T22:19:00.003+08:00

Fariz booked out on Thursday noon 'cause he need to transfer company. He was supposedly to book in on Friday night, but since today is our anniversary (I was anticipating today 'cause we've been together for officially one year!) and he wanted to escape Tekong to celebrate today. So yesterday he took MC from the polyclinic, the thing is he was really sick and he got MC for today and tomorrow, but not on Friday itself. He informed his platoon commander about it. Later at night some chief-in-charge called him and told him that he had to book in by 11 pm 'cause he didn't take MC on Friday (which is the original day that he was suppose to book in). So Fariz rushed home to pack his stuff. The both of us thought it was kinda stupid to retain him for the night just because he didn't get an MC for that day. Fariz being Fariz, had some plans up his sleeve, he rubbed his eye with his own saliva at first when he stepped in Tekong to fake his dunno-what commander that he has a sore eye. He made it was this morning by rubbing his eye with toothpaste. He just wanna get out of there by today.

The first time Fariz called me in the morning was to inform me that he had to go to the medical centre to re-confirm his MC/sickness or something like that so him booking out was still pending. He called me again to tell me the bad news of him being retained there till Christmas Eve, and he had to wait at the sick bay with nothing to do. Poor guy, he was really depressed about not spending time with me today, him transferring to a different company and have to start this confinement week all over again makes it worse. Plus, he's phone went flat during the day, and he didn't bring a charger (but thank God one of his friends has a portable one, so he's really desperately saving his battery so that it won't go flat). Not to say that I'm depress too, I feel sad that he's not here today and I didn't get to talk to him much. Before he got enlisted, when the both of us didn't have plans on that day and we stayed at home, we would usually check up on each other every half an hour.

The deranged me would run away with the lover to Gretna Green, get married, live in a cosy hut in the village, pop babies, and bake cupcakes and cookies for a living. I just miss my baby a lot.

For you a thousand times over

2008-12-10T20:31:00.004+08:00

In the midst of reading this book, I suddenly wonder, will I ever met anyone like Hassan, or have I already met people who resembled like Hassan. In the book, Hassan is pure, true to his words, would go the distance for his loved one. The unimagineable things that he had to go through just for his friend Amir, he never complains or ask for anything in return, he just hides his pain.

In an instant, I thought about Fariz. Fariz, in a way towards me, reminded me of Hassan to a certain extent. He has always been protective of his feelings, I guess you need to poke him in the eye so that he will show some form of pain. He has been criticized over a million of times, his tough exterior was just an agenda of his pain inside. He is a truely remarkable character, I was annoyed at the sight of him at first but he grew onto me, and look where we'd end up now. He's always so protective of me in different ways. I guess when one had experienced something horrible that would scar him for life, one would naturally take extra precautions and won't take anything for granted.

(He's doing fine in the army by the way. Currently sick, but he wants to get sicker so that they'll send him home. He would get all excited whenever he amuses me with his Tekong stories and would go 'Army teach me this' and 'Army taught me that', and of course 'army haven't teach me yet' . He text and calls me whenever he cans, making sure that he doesn't miss anything in my life. And the next time I'll get to see him is Christmas Eve, I think, and that's like 2 weeks from now.)

I just had to post this excerpt, not because my name was mentioned, but there was a form of reality being conveyed:

"Did I ever tell you I was almost married once?"

"Really?" I said, smiling a little at the notion of Rahim Khan getting married. I'd always thought of him as Baba's quiet alter ego, my writing mentor, my pal, the one who never forgot to bring me a souvenir, a saughat, when he returned from a trip abroad. But a husband? A father?

He nodded. "It's true. I was eighteen. Her name was Homaira. She was a Hazara, the daughter of our neighbour's servants. She was as beautiful as a pari, light brown hair, big hazel eyes... she had this laugh...I can still hear it sometimes." He twirled his glass. "We used to meet secretly in my father's apple orchards, always after midnight when everyone had gone to sleep. We'd walk under the trees and I'd hold her hand... Am I embarrassing you, Amir jan?"

"A little," I said.

"It won't kill you, " he said, taking a another puff. "Anyway, we had this fantasy. We'd have a great fancy wedding and invite family and friends from Kabul to Kandahar. I would build us a big house, white with a tiled patio and large windows. We would plant fruit trees in the garden and grow all sorts of flowers, have a lawn for our kids to play on. On Fridays, after namaz at the mosque, everyone would get together at our house for lunch and we'd eat in the garden, under cherry trees drink fresh water from the well. Then tea with candy as we watched our kids play with their cousins..."

He took a long gulp of his scotch. Coughed. "You should have seen the look on my father's face when I told him. My mother actually fainted. My sisters splashed her face with water. They fanned her and looked at me as id I had slit her throat. My brother Jalal actually went to fetch his hunting rifle before my father stopped him." Rahim Khan barked a bitter laughter. "It was Homaira and me against the world. And I'll tell you this, Amir jan: In the end, the world always wins. That's just the way of things."

"So what happened?"

"That same day, my father put Homaira and her family on a lorry and sent them of to Hazarajat. I never saw her again."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Probably the best, though," Rahim Khan said, shrugging. "She would have suffered. My family would have never accepted her as an equal. You don't order someone to polish your shoes one day and call them 'sister' the next."

An addiction; if you wanna get hooked on it

2008-12-07T00:26:00.015+08:00

*EDIT*

Saturdays are Hanging out-shopping-gossiping-chilling-movie watching- laugh laugh laugh-and make a fool of ourselves sessions with the girls. We went over to our childhood hotspot back in those days when we wore the royal blue pinafore (of course the colour faded over time), Parkway Parade, having lunch together and hunting for a boutique owned by a pair of twins who were former schoolmates. We got bored of hunting, since we already made plans to go over to Rachel's. We rented 'Marebito', a japanese horror film by the same directors of 'Ju-On'. The four of us squeeze into one couch, hiding under each others' arms and screamed occassionally when the movie has those creepy, eerie sound effects. We didn't really get the movie, the plot was complicated, it wasn't that horrific after all, there wasn't really any ghosts or spirits. It was about this lunatic cameraman who wanted to study the feeling of fear and how it came about. So he watched numerous suicidal videos and videos of people getting tortured (like in the movie Saw). He went to the underworld realm (which is the subway tunnels of Japan), met the guy who was from a suicidal video clip he watched (he committed suicide in a subway by poking his eye and he claims to be not dead, so it could be the cameraman's figment of imagination) who told him about this robot-like creature called deros (this part I don;t really get), and found supposedly his daughter chained up and bruised and naked. He brought his animalistic daughter home, she can't speak niether can she walk, she does so in a ll fours, she doesn't eat nor drink, we later found out that she feeds on blood when the cameraman came home with a bleeding wound and she starts sucking on his fingers. He even cut himself to feed her occasionally, to the extreme of cutting his tongue where his daughter just sucks his mouth as if she was kissing him. He became so obsessed with keeping his daughter alive, to the point where he kills his ex-wife (the mother of his daughter) and a random victim, and collecting all their blood in big jerry cans just to feed his daughter. The ending left us baffled. So we watched a really bad horror flick.

Rachel's dad upgraded their house from a 2-storey semi-d with a pool and fish pond to a 3-storey semi-d with a pool and fish pond. The third floor was more of a recreational room, she had like a ppol table which can be fliped over to a table tennis table. We played both games, none of us were really good at any of them but we laughed our way through.Vanessa claimed that she was Ronald Susilo's wife and got really hyped up whenever the table tennis ball was bouncing. Deepana put in so much strength into serving the ball, the ball hit the ceiling fan countless of times. Playing pool was a disaster. We cheated our way through, placing the white ball wherever we want, in the end everybody wins.

It got darked and windy so we went out to the balcony to chillax. Came-whoring session was semi-disastrous too, the place was to dark even with lights on, and the flashes were not bright enough. In the end we looked like the 'ghostly' characters from the movie we watched earlier.

Look at Vanessa tip-toeing to reach Deepana's height.

I was surfing the net while the rest explored Rachel's law books. Gosh, I think I need a haircut.

We had dinner by the pool, courtesy of her mom who ordered us pizza. Rachel's house has always been our one-day resort.

The pool looks beautiful at night, and us girls imagined ourselves skinny dipping when there was no one else around.

Rachel doesn't know the switches around her home, she also doesn't know her way around the kitchen, she doesn't swim, doesn't play pool/table tennis/sing karaoke at home, so unlike her other family members. We would love to push her in her own pool one day.

Something very random, ice lemon tea tastes disgusting when you just brushed your teeth.

I want my Baby back

2008-12-06T21:33:00.007+08:00

So the day that Fariz went NS finally came. It's the fourth day since he'd been there, and I miss him terribly. He tries his best to text and call me whenever he cans. He said currently he has to sit for lotsa (boring) lectures and he would often fall asleep. I would tease him to pay attention in case he doesn't know how to defend the country. He also mentioned that he's uniform is way too tight 'cause they don't have a bigger size, but the officers assure him that he's gonna loose weight so that the uniform would fit perfectly. He already got reprimanded for losing two of his badges 'cause he accidentally put it in a plastic bag which has a hole and it probably dropped somewhere. Poor boy, the food there isn't that good either (as expected), he said that he has 20 min for a meal, including qeueing and tapping his 11b or something like that. That leaves them like 5 min to eat (and then he jokes around about how he's gonna implement this system to me to make me eat faster). Oh he's in the same bunk with my SC senior, and each of his bunk mates and himself gave themselves really weird nicknames like Hump and YoYo. Fariz's long string of vulgarities has gotten longer, he just claims that that's how the people there speak, filled with vulgarities and hokkien and cantonese phrases. He also claims that those females who are in NS look like guys.

Both of us did manicures for each other days back before he left for Tekong.

Me taking a picture of him taking a picture of the sunset at West Coast Park Jetty.

I remember one of the days when we were talking on the phone constantly, I mentioned that I would love to see the sun set. So on our first date, he took me to the WCP jetty. Back then there were barriers all over 'cause it was still under construction, but we sneaked in anyway. We sat at a spot where there was a tree blocking half of our view, and I remember I was so nervous that I kept looking at the tree whenever we talked.

I'm relieved he is well taken care of at Tekong, and he made many new friends, and many familiar faces. I can't wait to see him botak and in that army uniform and his goatee off, it'll be his new trend for now.

I love you baby. God is watching over you for me.

My blog is now private, temporarily

2008-12-03T17:31:00.005+08:00

Daddy's being a ________ cause he confiscated my sister's laptop and poke through her stuff which would lead to any piece of information about my life. As such I had to make all my accounts private, including the boyfriend's accounts. After going online with a display picture of Fariz and I together, daddy being all strict asks me one million and one true accusations and religious comments. This pisses me off, and since he's gonna keep that laptop for quite some time, and my sister's Windows Live account is automatically signed in whenever the laptop is on, I have resorted to blocking my sister (which is actually my dad) on messenger. Maybe I'm over-paranoid about my dad finding out stuff that I do behind his back, but I just don't want him to intrude into my life, he has never really stepped in in the first place. He only does so when money is needed for school etc. There's just no bond between us.

So if anyone or if that anyone's friends want to read my posts, please do approach me, I don't mind adding anyone really. My blog's gonna be temporarily private till my sister gets her laptop back.

To the zoo on Friday

2008-11-28T20:06:00.023+08:00

Finally, FINALLY Friday came and I had a wonderful time at the zoo with these gorgeous ladies. For the first time, we manage to catch all three animal shows, and simply spend quality time after not seeing each other for months.

In the free bus ride we had from AMK MRT station. The salesgirl said it was cheaper than the usual rate if we bought the entry and tram tickets from them plus a free bus ride. We paid $23. When we got there, we found out that actually it was the same price.

This crocodile looks kinda fake in pictures.

A monkey swinging on tree branches.

Oh-so-adorable otters.

Vanessa is like my substitute date whenever Fariz is not around

I guess these were the tigers which contributed to the big hoo-haa about the recent suicide. It probably attracted more visitors due to the media coverage. I told Vanessa to photoshop herself to the picture of the white tiger above since she's so in love with it. Oh I met Justin and Shoawei today too, they were working there and when I bumped into them they said that they had to feed the tigers. "Humaira why don't we feed you to the tigers", haha very funny Justin.

Look at the baby red-ass baboon eating. And here it is again.

Now its hanging on its mother's tummy.

HI RACHEL

Us at the elephant show

An elephant balancing on a log. I told Fariz that he resembles like this elephant when he balanced on a sidewalk when he send me back home later. He grabs my neck with his arm and totally messed up my hair.

This baby manitee was born last Sunday, and for a few days old its kinda big!

I love Philipe the seal. He's so cheeky and adorable, responding to us audience, as if he was almost human.

The four of us : Rachel, Deepana, Vanessa, Me

While uploading the zoo pictures to my laptop, I found this picture of Khalid. He was being a narcissist, cam-whoring himself.

Ain't he adorable? I'd say, not bad for a 5-year-old.

A ship in harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for

2008-11-15T22:14:00.015+08:00

It was my second time going to OBS, and I preferred this year's experience compared to the first (see http://embrace-the-mystery.blogspot.com/2007/06/obs.html). We did the norm, high element, land expedition and sea expedition, but with a twist. First of all, the sea expedition was split into two days, the first day we kayaked for 3km to another campsite which we stayed for a night, and we continued our sea expedition another 13km around Ubin. During the land expedition, we stopped by Singapore's only granite quarry and did rafting there, enjoying the clear water and beautiful scenery and we started singing on our raft as well. This OBS was meant for us SLs to sit in and observe the juniors, and I think they did a splendid job.

Meet Sean. He's my partner for the high element challenge. Both of us nearly died. Meet Cindy, we go everywhere together during the 5-day camp.

This is what we had to climb on the first night. It's wasn't easy, my whole group did struggle with this one 'cause the logs were quite a distance from each other. People who are vertically challenged like me need tall people like Sean to lift us up to the next pole.

Meet Hi-Zul. He's the instructor for the other group, Eng Soon. His shorts kept getting shorter and shorter by the day and he claims that he won't get any insect bites 'cause his immune to it but in the end he had loads of it. His philosophies of life never fail to amuse me.

Maisha and I were once again in the same watch. Vivian was our instructor and she's uber nice and friendly. She loves the colour orange like Cindy. On the last day when we had to sit in the circle and say our final words, she intend to make us apple crumble as we voice out, but left it aside to focus on us. And I guess she totally forgot about it 'cause we never did see the progress of that apple crumble or even taste it.

Meet Maria Humairah. Last year, a lot of people got the two of us mixed up due to our similar names. Guess what, her boyfriend's name is Fariz too! We shared gazillions of relationship problems, realized that there was similarities, and almost every day of those 5 days, she, Cindy and I would express how much we missed our boyfriends. Then start bitching about their bad points.

Meet Darwina . We partnered each other during the sea expedition. Both of us nearly died kayaking, we kept bumping into other kayaks and always cannot keep our kayak going staright, and we always go beyond the boundaries. I have to thank her tremendous strength and effort 'cause towards the last few kilometers of the expedition, I got so dizzy that I couldn't even think straight or paddle properly. And I feel asleep while kayaking 'cause I was so tired. Oh I only peed once this time round.I slept in a tent for 5 days with Maria, Maisha, Cindy and Darwina. We had our favourite 10 o'clock show which would sometimes extend beyond midnight. Darwina and Maisha would usually turn to talk to each other while me and Maria would talk about our relationship. Cindy slept in the middle, and as she didnt have a partner to talk to, she'll be the first one to fall asleep.

Here are the lovely Year 2 student leaders who attended OBS.

Here's my lovely watch Bo Seng.

Presenting all of us from Millennia.

And I'm done with OBS.

I need you, I don't need you

2008-11-06T00:08:00.007+08:00

"It's the answer spoken by the young and old, rich and
poor, democrat and republican, black, white, hispanic, asian, native american,
gays, straight, disabled and non-disabled. Americans that send a message to the
world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection
of red states and blue states, we are and always be the United States of
America."

I have been of unsound mind, I have one too many flaws, I just wish I would stop being dumb

Common sense doesn't come easily for me, I get frustrated easily when everything goes wrong. I kept pondering what's wrong with them, ultimately what's wrong with me, why I can't see eye to eye with the world anymore. I've been so cooped in my own little world, oblivious to those outside, or have they made me this way? Character is build from within, so my egoistic self and stupidity has always to be blamed for. These two best friends has got to go. I will change. I am trying to change. I have been changing. This change does not seem to be progressing. I am trying hard. I've tried harder. I'm not trying hard enough. This is not enough. I'm sick of trying and getting the same mundane results. Learn and apply, yea I just have to learn and apply.

This fall, our vision of the world would change forever

2008-11-01T13:35:00.017+08:00

A city is ravaged by an epidemic of instant "white blindness". Those first afflicted are quarantined by the authorities in an abandoned mental hospital where the newly created "society of the blind" quickly breaks down. Criminals and the physically powerful prey upon the weak, hording the meager food rations and committing horrific acts. There is however one eyewitness to the nightmare. A woman whose sight is unaffected by the plague follows her afflicted husband to quarantine. There, keeping her sight a secret, she guides seven strangers who have become, in essence, a family. She leads them out of quarantine and onto the ravaged streets of the city, which has seen all vestiges of civilization crumble. Their voyage is fraught with danger, yet their survival and ultimate redemption reflect the tenacity and depth of the human spirit.

I love how the protagonist, Julianne Moore who plays the doctor's wife, the only one who did not go blind (she avoided to get infected with the disease for not sleeping for days) is portrayed. Her character's responsibility beginning is simply her husband. But her ability to see ultimately both isolates her and makes her into a leader. As time goes on, she feels isolated in being the only one with sight.

This movie portrays the metophorical meaning of blindness, social degradation and disorder, as well as the inevitable traits of greed and temptation in every human being. There's this scene where some idiotic dickhead with a gun appoints himself 'the King of Ward 3', a room in the prison which is made up of all men prisoners who take over the food rations. As people begin to starve the room of all men offer food in exchange for valuables. After no more valuables are to be had an orgy with the women and wives is wanted. Women volunteer to save the rest of the prisoners from starvation. Half with bravery, half in tears they walk into the room of blind men reaching out in the air for them. The movie fades to black as the grunts of the men and a flicker of a spotlight show a fist in air cracking down on the skull of a woman who has gone into shock and called by the blind men a "dead fish". The fist moves and the sound of the skull being hit as she is being raped with his loud voice "Move for me!" unsettles the other women who in the end of the scene bring out her dead body in their arms like pallbearer. Welcome to the cruel real world. Despite me revealing some spoilers, do catch the movie, it's really an eye-opener. (its M18)

http://www.blindness-themovie.com/

PW IS FINALLY OVER

Many loves to my groupmates (: Thank you for making PW a blast.

Baby, I must say that I loovvvveeee you so. Thank you for staying up with me when I have tons of work to do (even though you're up 'cause you're lepak-ing with your friends, but I do appreciate you for encouraging to complete my tasks when I don't feel like doing so)

Chasing that ever after

2008-10-30T20:27:00.002+08:00

I was watching E! True Hollywood Story: Halle Barry, and she unfold that she couldn't find internal happiness, not until she's in her forties and pregnant with a child. So with a child on the way, on top of her success in the media, she is spiritually at peace.

Wait till her kid pops out and start crying all day and all night and then the depression starts. Then she would likely to say 'goodbye' to her internal happiness when she and her kid doesn't bond, and when they have no emotional relationship between them. And she'll be crying and crying as to think why things happened this way and that how a horrible mother she is blah blah blah. It's a sad happy ending indeed.

Me, on the other hand, still don't know what I want in life.

It's you, it's you, You make me sing

2008-10-26T23:21:00.008+08:00

I attempted to sew this picture of an optcal illusion :

And this is my masterpiece. I'd say, I think its not bad for an amateur.

Baby and I went to West Coast Park again. It's our most favourite hang-out spot. We sat at the breakwater where we enjoyed the sea breeze and the listening to the waves crashing in. Ironically, I was perspiring and he didn't, the first time that it occured. I really enjoy my time with him, since its been eons since we went out on a proper date. The night was perfect, it was romantic; he cooked his scrumptious spaghetti for the both of us, and we just enjoyed each other's company. There was the occasional stench of fish 'cause there was someone fishing quite near us, but we didn't let it bother us. It's kinda a couples night 'cause the place was filled with lovers, and families, and random people fishing.

And I get to kiss you baby just because I can
i looooovvvvveeeee Fariz the gangsta/nigga

We havn't been really spending a lot of quality time with each other, and there's an urgency to do so since he's going away.

Birthday Boy

2008-10-21T20:05:00.009+08:00

The Birthday Boy

And his accomplice cum princessthe good ol' times (but it gets better every day)

HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY FARIZ !

Remember the keychain that I bought for us a long time ago, the one with our birthdays on it? Well yours goes like this : " People born on this date (21st October) can be very romantic. They believe in the heaing power of love and can be very affectionate. A rare gem."

I can't totally disagree what the keychain says but it is mostly true. Despite your kackass/joker exterior, you are very very romantic (and I bet many people don't know this). Thank you for randomly buying me roses occasionally, even though there's no special occasion. Thank you for showering me with all your love and assuring me that everything's gonna be fine when I'm all flustered and worried. I'm sorry that I misjudged you last year, but you were so mean to me! You're a kind-natured person, you wouldn't wanna hurt any small (or disgusting) creature. Your tough exterior covers it all, and what you have gone through all these years, all those past mistakes, has only made you a stronger person. Each story that you unfold makes me fall head over heels with you all over again. It made me understand you better, why you do things in such a way, why were you so protective of me, and why you're so afraid to lose me. You're a passionate lover baby, and that makes you unique.

I hope you won't live on regrets or past mistakes. But you are moving on, rest assured. With your capabilities, you can do wonders. You can even come up with a cure for some disease. I know this is cliché, but success doesn't come easily witout effort and hard work . After NS, when you take your private A's/diploma/degree, you're gonna have a solid 2-3 hour study session with me. I wanna take my masters with you, as we planned. I wanna revive that feeling of being in the same school/class with you.

And with that, I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

I hope you had fun today, as much as I did.

I ♥ you baby.

P.S: Don't worry about me when you go NS. I'll be fine on my own, I'll take care of myself and do as you told me to do. I'll probably coop up at home and study to get both my feet into university (: and I hope you'll fulfill your dreams and get your feet in there with me. And when you get back on mainland, I promis you we'll have the time of our lives (:

Peace Out

I'll go wherever the wind takes me to

2008-10-19T10:32:00.005+08:00

So many (shocking) things have occured in the past week. Firstly, was the release of the promotional status, and most likely my class has to split up again(which totally sucks 'cause I really do love A2 and Ms Wendy Choo). I was late on that day, hence I have to serve detention on a rather short day. Then comes the news of one of my dearest closest girlfriend whom got herself pregnant. I really didn't expect that from her, knowing that she's pious and smart enough not to get herself into trouble. What's worse is that her A levels are around the corner. On the same night, baby got his letter to serve NS starting on the 3rd of Dec. I really don't know what to expect when he's away, we're both close-knitted despite our heated arguments, we never fail to make up.

This year flew so fast. The only significant thing about this year was the never-ending examintions. Mid-years, then one month later was promos, and in a weeks time I'll sitting for my H1s. I have a perfect reason to break down once in a while this year.

I wonder if I have to be alone on new year's eve. Last year ended perfectly with friends and family, and now those friends are not really talking to each other anymore, not so sure about spending time with my family though.

And right now I'm sitting in front of my laptop thinking 'oh shit my a levels are coming', while listening to baby whose asleep over the phone (I love listening to him snoring, he'd make weird noises especially when he has a blocked nose, and he'll talk in his sleep! The other time he randomly scolded me with vulgarities 'cause he dreamt that he was playing rugby and I was his opponent. He's not snoring nor talking in his sleep right now) and I'm so unprepared for math and tomorrow's OP presentation. It's a relief that school's coming to an end, I am very very sick of it.

Some time ago, I skipped school and got detention for it. But the detention for skipping school was worth it, I did had fun, the one that I've been missing in a long time. Baby and I brought Khalid to the library.

Look at those puffy eyes. Its all PW's fault! Making me stay up super late at night just to edit and re-do the damn thing.

Little kids playing in the library. Don't we all wish that we were kids again?

Less revelling, more festivity

2008-10-07T21:01:00.011+08:00

It's the 7th day of celebration, and I'm hoping I would collect more money. I need that money. I gotta buy present(s) for *cough cough wink wink* a certain birthday ~~boy~~ man.

This year's celbrations was different with the death of my grandmother. We went to visit her grave along with other relative's of our's. It was very emotional for me 'cause I do miss her a lot, I miss her touch and her scent and her stories. My family and I walked around with ice cream in our hands while searching for my relatives' graves. People were staring at us. We looked like lost souls ourselves.

Despite the solemn first day of Raya, the festivity continues. And my collections (of money) starts too.

CASE 1: My Younger Sister
Not only is she competing to get as much or more money than me, she's also on a mission to look out for cute guys (unlike me). She thinks some of our cousins are hot, I doubt so, 'cause cousins will always be cousins and blood-related, kinda icky if you think that one of them is cute. Unless its like a passing compliment thing. So anyway, my sister would oogle and oogle at boys and tell me how much she wants to know them. Then I told her just go talk to them, after all you are cousins, and she's too shy to do it. And she reads my messages to baby. That girl is kinda annoying at times, but she makes a good cam-whoring buddy.

CASE 2: My mother

Strangers would think that my mom is my sister and my sister is my BFF. Ever since my mom got her driver's liscence, she's been venturing out on her own, increasing the speed that she drives, and being familiar with the roads. That day she tag along an uncle of mine in some ulu, unfamiliar place called Bukit Panjang. My family could get lost there.

For every house that we visited, my mom would compare and contrast the interior design and furniture to the ones in our house. She'll go like " blah blah interior design very nice but the furniture is so mainstream 'cause it's from courts blah blah... mine is from Da Vinci blah blah", its as if my mom's entering a World's Best Home Competition.

CASE 3: The Aunt

So my closest aunt kept insisting all those male cousins to come and sit with us and have a chat. Her intentions were to promote her two beautiful neices, like a mini matchmaking service. My sister, more often, would be delighted to do so, she's given a chance to talk to boys she fancy. But her services are well utilised, 'cause if she hadn't intro us to our supposedly close cousins, we wouldn't start a conversation at all.

CASE 4: The Baby Brother
My baby brother, as cute as he is, can be also a pain in the ass. He collected more money than me, (like duh I'm close to retirement) using his charms with all the aunties and uncles. I have this uncle who's a taxi driver and on that day we rode in his cab with my mom's car following behind him. And when we went up to a relative's house, Khalid asks why this taxi driver is following us. Oh and on the first day of Raya when we're at the cemetry,the tired tyke sat on any of the graves. When we were visiting our relatives' graves as well he asked 'Is this grandma's graves too? Grandma sure has a lot of graves'. God, bless his soul.

This is my late grandfather's family. His grown-up kids and 44-50 grandchildren. There's more on the way.

And this is a really old family potrait of my late grandfather with his second wife, Mak Biah (my step-grandmother) and his children. So plus my dad and my two aunts from his first marriage, he has 13 kids. Lucky number.

Meet Dolly. She's my aunts and late grandmother's cat, so technically she's my direct and closest cousin. I love her to bits, I think she's really adorable. But she's one fierce cat, and she hates small kids who love to disturb her. She would scratch them when they try to pat or poke her. But she's really old, 12 human years, so she's like a senior citizen in cat years.

She told you that in his arms is where she'd be

2008-10-03T23:04:00.003+08:00

Malay class yesterday was rather fun. Not only did we ate Hari Raya cookies, we also get to know a little more about each other. My malay teacher started poking her nose at our love lives, asking who is attached, why we love him/her, and what are the traits that or significant other half must have. Some of the boys gave stupid ones like the girl must have freedom, and not the type where she has a curfew of 7 pm that type of thing, and the girl has to be a sex bomb (but I guess sex appeal is kinda important too), however the girls gave really good ones. I guess all girls/women have the same ideal characteristics of their boyfriends/husbands. Honest, faithful, caring, loving, funny, witty, and that pinch of edginess. Of course, looks and masculanity would be a bonus too. Oh not forgetting the feeling of security when she's with her man.

If you reversed it back would you do it differently?

2008-09-30T20:25:00.003+08:00

My week of condensed timetable has started yesterday. I was greeted with four periods of math, that's like 2 hours plus of numbers and graphs. It was super gruesome, we had like 23 functions and graph questions to complete. The ambience felt so weird being in a different class and teacher, but the company was great. So in the midst of doing all those sums, Keith made super hilarious mistakes, and he even allowed me to take pictures of his work during class!

I didn't know that graphs are suppose to dangle like that, waaayyy below the axes. It's a vertical graph some more.
Whoa. Since when does the x-axis have 2 arrows on them ?

I thought I had a lot to do at home, but I only had to clean my room for tomorrow's festivity. I'm not really looking forward to Hari Raya tomorrow, the mood is just not there. I guess I'll treat it like any other passing day. And I don't really bother how much money I'll get from relatives either, I guess I've passed that stage, like my dad, he only celebrates Hari Raya on one day instead of one month.

Every year's celebrations is different I guess, but this year it seems that traditions have been lost. Like my some of my family members would play with the sparklers on the last few nights of Ramadan but we didn't do it this year. My mom also planned t put up those annoying flickering lights up, but with the unexpected death of my grandmother this year, she decided not to. Fariz too share the same feelings as I do. I really do respect and admire him a lot, he went through so much, it's so unimagineable, and too personal for him. I pray and hope that things would turn out well for him, ultimately between him and his family.

On a lighter note, today my baby brother Khalid had Children's Day celebrations over at his Pay And Pay kindergarten. They had to dress up as there's a Best Dressed competition, so while all those other kids wore office attires (I have no idea why would anyone dress their kids in office wear) my baby brother decided to be unique and he dress as a soldier. Yes complete with a helmet and shades. So he wore his army costume and he wanted to put leaves on his helmet, (like how creative is that) so my mom went to scotch tape the leaves from our garden. The helmet looks like this :Most of the leaves dropped off. So anyway, because of that he was late for school but he did made a grand entrance. He got the whole school laughing at him, but his bravery shine through. He got the Best Dressed award in the end.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri,
thanks to all those who gave me the warm wishes,
I kinda need to clean my room now. Toodles.

Would you love me if I didn't workout, or I didn't change my natural hair?

2008-09-23T21:24:00.007+08:00

The Emmy's Best Dressed award has to go to Christina Applegate in this gorgeous sari-inspired icy blue Reem Acra dress with a dramatic train. Simply stunnig.

Eva Longoria got the Worst Dressed, no wonder she looks like a lamp shade with a pair of overly pointy silver stilettos.

Sigh, I have to go back to school tomorrow. I was really enjoying the non-nationwide break away from school, of which it was spent at West Coast Park and Youtube-ing and watching online movies with baby, and shopping with my mom. My mom doesn't seem to age, and the people around us that day thought I was her younger sister! She said I must be ageing, but that can't be cause people still assume I look like sec 2 kid, so its just my mom's great genes.

Khalid's new halloween's costume.

Possibly our favourite spot at WCP's macdonalds. Actually anywhere with a plug is our favourite spot.

I love West Coast Park, it brings back a lot of memories of my very very first date ever with the biggest lovable bully in the world. It's so peaceful, with the man-made gardens and open spaces and waves crashing in, and there's only a handful of people around. If I could, I would want to build a house in WCP, the other location would be Botanical Gardens, or I could have the two combine.

Did I mention that school starts tomorrow? The anxiety kicks in when the exam results are still pending, nostalgia starts when I miss spending time with baby, and all those other feelings and tension when A levels come. Sigh.

I'm young, but I can't fall in love

2008-09-22T00:07:00.004+08:00

I want to ride on a hot air balloon, it takes you to unpredictable places, wherever the wind blows, the hot air balloon follows. The majestic view from the hot air balloon simply astonishes one (or so I assume). I want to ride on a hot air balloon, so that it'll take me some place far far away from home.

*

The road to self-discovery is never easy. Heck, even at 18, I'm still not familiar with myself, my strengths and weaknesses, I don't even know what's wrong with me. I'm confused. And fickle-minded. And I think I might just be PMS-ing.

I sat down with baby at West Coast Park's jetty a few hours ago and we had one of those intimate secret sharing sessions. It was very meaningful, he told me more about his family and his current situation, stuff he just protected me from. I shared with him my trauma of growing up. I guess I feel really insecure to grow up, but I am eager to leave MI and move on to uni (on which I have to work extremely hard for), but more of the fact that my parents don't allow me to grow up and explore my options or consider my opinions/feelings. I just feel so confined with those million and one rules and non-liberalist views from them, it just makes me feel hurt deep down when they really start becoming mean. I can't even have my own simple self-indulgence, like shopping, not even once without one of my parents nagging at my ears 'cause they think I have enough bags when I have only one usable handbag as compared to the not-so-little/little people whom daddy shower with gifts with those puppy dog eyes of theirs, without any hesitation. I swear I think my parents or only my dad has something against me for one of the most absurd reasons.

I don't know why but I'm just frustrated with the people around me, especially at home when everybody seems to get on my nerves. I'm either treated like a kid or invincible when I'm at home, that's when I'll lock myself in my room the whole day, not caring about the outside world unless its time to break fast. I know I'm not alone in this, I guess it's just a growing up phase to be rebellious, but after rebellion comes independence and more responsiblity, and that's what I'm looking forward to.

And I'll come back to you

Appreciated

2008-09-12T11:43:00.006+08:00

I AM FARIZ'S #1 FAN!
WOOOOHHOOOOO GOOOOO BABY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh Baby you're suppose to click here now.

I ♥ YOU BABY

I Miss You

2008-09-05T18:28:00.006+08:00

Pictures of you.

I have been having recurring dreams about me in my grandmother's house, looking for her, but she's always in her room, and when I woke up, I would often found myself in tears. Then I'll just continue to cry of the thought that I miss my grandmother reaaalllyyy bad. Even though it's been like 4-5 months since she passed on, I still haven't moved on - I don't think I will ever will, 'cause the biggest regret was not being there during her last moments, thanking her for raising me up and for everything she did to me, apologising her for all my wrong doings, but most importantly, I didn't even get to say goodbye to her.

I remember on the day when she passed away, everyone was getting ready to visit her at the hospital, since my mom just got back from Indonesia and the boys have yet to see her since she was admitted. And I - I was getting ready to watch ACJC's production of Pride and Prejudice. It was my fault to put school above everything else on that day, just because the play was kinda compulsory to go. Thank God baby was just next to me when I received the news. I wouldn't know what I'd do if I was by myself, probably getting all hysterical and crazy.

Re-thinking the whole event again, if God where to put me in my grandmother's ward during her last moments with the rest of my family, I would be all hysterical and crazy. But I wasn't on that day, I was rather calm when I got back home, I was calm when I faced my grandmother's body, cleansing her motionless, cold body, with just a few tears. And I appeared rather reserved as compared to most of the adults there, and I thank God for that, giving me strength to face the painful truth, and for guiding my younger siblings in the whole rituals. Come to think of it, I guess stuff like this happens for a reason.

And I remember that on the night that my grandmother passed away, I could sense her spirit in my room, and it stayed till dawn. Her scent was so strong, I couldn't have mistaken myself. Her spirit had watched over me as I sleep that night, just like she used to when I was a kid. And the amazing thing is that I was the only one who felt her presence during the seven days that her spirit was still on earth. Now I wish I could sense her again, but it's mere impossible, I guess the only place that I can see her again is in my dreams.

FYI, I got that big nose of mine from her.

Speaking Japanese, please

2008-09-03T20:57:00.007+08:00

So this is what happens when a little kid gets way too hyper, and when one encourages him that he could Japanese well, when it's not his native language.

Presenting my baby brother, Khalid :

Abstinence

2008-09-03T19:53:00.018+08:00

So my first day of the fasting month was spent with these people, a funny bunch, and the opportunity of sneaking baby into my house. We were having a study party, or so that's what I told my mother to let all of them in my house. My parents and Fariz had a bad history together, and it was such a big gamble to sneak him in, but the most hilarious and ironic thing is that my mom didn't even recognize him right!

Mom : That big guy looks like Fairuz, the guy who sent you home. But that's not him right, he's too wide and tall to be him. Isn't Fairuz smaller?
Me : Uhhhhh, yea.
Mom : Are all those people your classmate, what's the big guy's name?
Me : Uhhh, they are. His name is Paki.
Mom : Paki what kind of name is that?
Me : It's a nickname, Ma.

Way to go Humaira. I think I made the situation even more complicated. And my mom's questions were never ending, thanks to my baby bro whom clearly recognized Fariz well. Now baby got 2 identities, but only Paki can come over.

Everybody look at Keith's hair!!!!! (below)
We were all doing good studying, or more like bored of it actually. Untill the little tyke stepped in in his army costume.

After a day's work, the gang relaxed and watch Tom and Jerry on Cartoon Network.

It sucks when the fasting month clashes with the school holidays, and when after the holidays comes the majjjjoooorrr promotional examinations. And baby and I are trying really really hard to stay abstinence, it kinda sounds pretty humorous if you think about it.

Pre-'Cher Day

2008-08-29T22:01:00.013+08:00

G-double O-D JOB
to all SCs + interns + whoever else that's involve in the TDC.
Finally there's nothing to disrupt me in starting to revise for the exams. Despite being the welfare i/c, I have nothing to do with it in this event, instead I was in-charge of IT. And i think that almost everyone knows that I need the Guide in IT for Dummies book. Nontheless my team and I pulled it through.

07A2 Loves Ms Choo and Ms Low
Happy Teacher's Day

Teeny Droplets of happiness

2008-08-24T22:41:00.007+08:00

The rainy season came in really early this year. It's not due like till mid September or early October or something like that. All thanks to us homosapiens in contributing to global warming.

Today baby accompanied me to the library to study, but he got wet 'cause my teeny-weeny umbrella can't fit the both of us so he sacrificed himself. And me staying at the mecca of foreign workers doesn't really help, the place was freaking crowded with people of different dialects. And there were people sitting on planks of wood 'cause it occupied their grass for their weekly picnic, baby and I can't stop making jokes at them. Baby was like a predator preying on any male species who dare laid their eyes on me 'cause the place is like freakishly crowded with foreigners, its as if you're in a foreign land. The ironic thing is, he was holding my waist and they didn't even bother to look at him. And because of that and other stuffs like the rain, he got really pissed. But no worries, he cheered up soon after.

Gosh my laptop screen is so freaking dirty. Anyway I brought my Sims Double Deluxe CD so that baby could play while I study. In the end, I ended up playing with him, or play more than him. hahahahaha.

That's the Sims he created. It's suppose to resemble the both of us. But mine did look a little like me, while his looks like a jock. Baby was so unsattisfied with the plot, 'cause my Sim kept thinking about his friend and all that nonsense, and then he playfully got mad at me for no reason. It's virtual world for goodness sake.

Okay one last thing to share. I have this guy friend who claimed that he has fallen in love with one of my girl friends, and know he's being exactly like a girl who has feelings for a guy. HAHA. Way to go %$$#@$.

BABY. YOU OWE ME AN ICE SCREAM SUNDAE.

shoots, I owe him a hand-sewn pillow n bag, a friendship bracelet n other pricey stuffs.

Moody, moodless, annoyed, bleahhhhhh

2008-08-19T20:13:00.004+08:00

I have been so freaking busy lately, that it's super annoying

schoolschoolschoolSCdanceSCLitPaper5examSCSCSCschoolschoolPWSCschoolPWSCdance.

time alone = zilch. what more time for revision.
I've been having very bad mood swings lately, mostly all the time, and my number 1 victim would be my dearest boyfriend, whom I know that he's hurt constantly by the fights that I picked up, the fights that could be avoided, all those mean sarcastic remarks and unappreciative attitude. I'M SORRY BABY . Seriously, I don't know what's going on with me, what I'm getting at. I'm moody even at home, while talking to my mom I just blasted at her for no reason.

Baby's got a new job at Ritz Carlton, so I won't be able to see him often. In a way that's a good thing 'cause it gives me more personal time to roam around, especially to kick-start that long awaited revision 'cause the darn promos are like in 3 weeks. I think I'm selfish and insensible, but I just don't get it why is there a need for him to see me everyday. And we get into fights because of this.

Seriously, the stress has gotten to me.

Such a lonely day, and it's mine

2008-08-03T19:20:00.006+08:00

Wei Xuan's in NS, Nisa's all alone, talking about him and their relationship non-stop is just an indication that she misses him badly. And when it's my boy's turn to go over there (to change into a man), the moment I start to fell lonely, the first person that I'll cry on would be dearest Nisa, cause she did the same towards me too when she felt lonely. There's no other person than Nisa that could understand my position, being in love and juggling with school and friends and family, she's going through the same things as me, but she experienced it a year and two days longer than I have.

We're similar in the sense then when the both of us realize that we had crushes on our beloved, but we were in denial. The fact that whenever we tease her about Wei Xuan liking her made her really pissed, but we didn't say anything about her liking him back, and she didn't even tell us that she did like him. For me, I didn't realize that I had a crush on Fariz, everyone knew I disliked him because he bullied me too much, and for that fact that I didn't tell anyone that I had a crush on him and I liked being around him 'cause he's just fun to be with.

I realize that I can't talk much about my relationship with other people, Nisa feels the same way too, somehow they really don't bother or they simply wouldn't understand. I guess it's kinda rare to find the one at this age, but Nisa and I did, so I guess we're each other's confidant. I was the first person to hear all her insecurities, and she's the first for me too. Having a 3-hour-long conversation with her makes me a little bit better, definitely relieved, like she's taken away the heavy weight off me. She feels the same way too, she's been bottling it up more than I have.

Today is such a lonely day, my baby's away, my beloved grandmother passed away a hundred days from today, and although their smell still lingers on me now, it's not the same as touching them, because they're not here. Especially grandma, God rest her soul.

Loves

2008-08-01T23:20:00.010+08:00

ELATED (:

School's been okay, 16 teaching days left before promos. die. So it's like a must for to go to school everyday. I had lit lecture today, and the usual gang thought that it won't be productive 'cause other people would make a lot of noise, but ironically we're making the noise.

I received a text message from baby earlier today. It reads 'Baby i got into an accident. haha' WAH HE STILL CAN LAUGH SOME MORE. When I met him, (you know being all worried and all) he still can laugh even more about his motorbike accident. I feel like slapping him sometimes, the time where he doesn't know how to be serious, and he can't wait for more. Thank God he only has minor injuries. I'm just crossing my fingers and praying hard for him.

Relationship saviour

2008-07-31T00:08:00.006+08:00

Its painful to see my friends getting hurt from a failed relationship. I feel that being in a relationship with someone is like taking a ride on an emotional roller coaster, so one have to really put those seatbelts on tightly.

I learnt all this from my other half, he's an excellent relationship saviour (most of our arguements are caused by me in the first place), and ultimately he's the one putting in the 49823985643986598436 % of effort in this relationship. I'm just trying my best to keep up with him.

1) spend quality time with your beloved no matter how hectic your life is. Just a short 5 min conversation over the phone will do.
2) forgive and forget. literally.
3) be patient when you're beloved's pissed or mad, or even of he/she is mad at you. Just try to calm your beloved down.
4) show your beloved that you care.
5) assure your beloved that you love him/her (for who your beloved truely is. trust and honesty and communication are the basis of every relationship, it doesn't have to be a b-g-r).

I'm no love expert, but Fariz is, so these are the major things that I learnt from our sustaining relationship. After all, with his experience (by watching a hell lot of romantic movies), he is the love guru.

I love you Fariz.
I'm sorry for being an idiot most of the times.
228 days down, forever to go.

The finale pose

2008-07-27T13:28:00.011+08:00

One performance down, a few more to go before I take a break from dance, not sure if I still wanna continue to pursue it in the future, but I'll always stumble upon it somehow.

Going for dance practices have always been my number one option for after-school-activities, unless I have the compulsory meeting sessions or extra lessons to attend to, a dance practice is a must-go. I was just thinking, life would be so empty without a passion. Interest would lead to passion, one's passion would end being a lifestyle. It's defining who you are as a person, basically one's identity. I feel that if a person suddenly stop doing what he loves to do, and with no contact of the people that he used to share this passion with, than this person would somehow change. Not sure if its for the better, but one could just wonder how miserably empty and boring life would be. And a lot of people have been deluded by infatuations (on other interests), that serves only to attract but not to pursue, something temporary. So when you fail pursuing that new hobby, are you suppose to go back to your passion, or just leave it behind? In long absences in doing something what you love, the first step is always the hardest. I guess it apllies to everything else to.

And I was just thinking of how this applies to my current situation, like the people around me. I don't think I've changed that much when actually approached, maybe being a teeny wee bit more mature. My grades are pretty much the same as last year or better, I talk the same way, I walk the same way, I still eat bit by bit every 2 hours. So then maybe the other's change as a result of losing something that they dearly miss.

Transcendence 2008 was not bad though, still nothing compared to KC's annual Evening of Music, Dance and Drama. All the dances did really well, the modern dancers did superb with flawless timings and hiccups which are not so obvious. YAY! We all look like mini Amy Winehouses on stage, but we were suppose to be russian dolls? That's what everyone else claimed.

Baby surprised me with roses before the performance. But I couldn't accept them yet, cause we had to do our warm-up and be on standby already as we're the 2nd item. It was really really sweet of him to surprise me in such a way, he took the trouble to go all the way to the dance room, could see him phanting and sweating and all. I met him during the interval, he passed those beautiful roses to me and we enjoyed the entire show together, a first for us. I have to thanked baby for the beautiful roses and the expensive wrapping, they're really gorgeous to look at.

We sat with Jai and company, seeing the duo together made me reminisce about A7, how both of them bullied me last year. I love seeing the two of them together, as a duo, like Batman and Robin or something like that. Also met Michelle, Pearl and Yati at the concert. Basically I miss A7, and the times we've spent together as a class.

I have to admit, I do look like a minah here.

My mom covered me with a blanket today when I fell asleep while watching tv in the living room. The littlest sweetest things parents do for their kids made me realize how much my parents care for me.

Study mode switched on

2008-07-13T22:23:00.004+08:00

My progress of self-discovery never seems to end, I don't think anyone else should either. Every day I reveal a part of me that I've never seen before, made new self-realisation and restructured my resolutions.

In my attempt to achieve better grades so that I can get both of my feet into uni, the least I could do is practice self-disciplinary. And not get distracted.

Heh, I even made myself a cute book to track my progress.

I LOVE VANESSA ONG XIN YUN.

To the Dance Room

2008-07-13T20:23:00.004+08:00

I love talking to my dance seniors, they seem so wise. Dance practices have been so intensive lately it paralyzes my body. I could lay motionless all day long.

On Saturday the blardy school had to shut all the stairways. Plus the lift wasn't working in the morning. So all of us dancers had to climb from the centrestage staircase to make our way to the dance room. I got lost, somehow. And after our debrief the school made an announcement saying that the school was closing, all of us made a mad dash to the toilet, some of us stripping out of our dance attire into going-out clothes.

I met baby after dance on Saturday, we celebrated our pre-monthsary. I love baby to bits, you neh-neh-pok, shouldn't spend so much $$$ on me. But I don't complain though. But you still shouldn't spend so much on me.

I got into trouble on Friday. Almost in deep shit thing, but somehow I don't really bother about the consequences. Well, life sucks, deal with it. I miss Ms Alicia Ng. I could remember all those sarcasstic quotes of her's.

To my dearest,

2008-07-10T22:28:00.003+08:00

Rachel Tan Yingying, I have a panda keychain from China named after you. It reminds me of you, then Rex, then Vanessa, then a whole lotta stuff.

To baby,
THANK YOU FOR THE ROSE.
I absolutely love it.
Thank you for the warmth and comfort and companion and the encouragement and the laughter and many many more, the list is endless.
I ♥ You.

I need to do homework now.

Breathe

2008-07-09T21:59:00.002+08:00

I am very annoyed by a not-so-little-brat. Super annoyed.

I went to stay over at my grandma's place over the weekend. Ironically, grandma's not there anymore. The house was very empty, emotions just filled in. Even the cat lost a hell lot of weight after my grandma passed away. It kinda slipped my mind when I arrived there, being all bubbly to greet her in her room. Even my aunt slipped her tongue by saying "Oh you can have my room, I'll sleep with grandma". I've been thinking about her the whole time I was there, I could barely sleep. I remembered 2-3 weeks before she passed away, she has been urging me to sleep over, but I have school the next day and I simply can't. Looking back, I was just thinking -the signs were all there, how could I not see it- but then again, no one did. Since she passed away, I've learnt how to obstruct the feeling of regret, as it makes me feel even more nostalgic and depressing. I feel as if someone had shot me in the heart and left a hole there, the biggest heartache I've ever felt. Reminiscence of grandma was everywhere.

Today during dance we had to body waves in conjunction with our breathing. I love the dance, it's so relaxing, it just takes your mind to another place. My mind was at the seashore, with the sounds of waves crashing in, I felt totally at peace. Somehow some thing's been bothering me, like the type where you don't get to sleep peacefully, and I strongly suspect its school. It triggered me that I have one and a half years to be prepared for A levels, what's worst is that promos are in 2 months time. I seem to be tired of school quite frequently. Do well in A's and get the heck out of there.

I was also relieved when I had buffet lunch with my dearest girls and baby recently. Out of my own entertainment, I persuaded Rachel to bring her twin Rex out so that Vanessa could oogle at him. Vanessa was speechless, started laughing rhythmically.

Somehow I blame school for a lot of things. I blame school for making me tired. I blame school for my loss of weight. I blame school for keeping me apart from my family and friends. I can't wait to get it over and done with, I'm beginning to really loathe the A level system. The only thing I love about school is the company. The long hours just kills me. I need to breathe.

After exam activities

2008-07-04T13:45:00.003+08:00

Finally, exams are over. I hope I don't screw up that bad. All those last-minute-mugging-slightly-past-midnight-curfew has got me worn out. Malay A level Oral was the day after the last paper, boy it was a total joke. I tripped over the chair when making my way to the waiting area just before facing the invigilators and went I approached them, I dropped my bottle cap and made a lot of noise. The invigilators went "blah blah blah blah blah tradisional blah" and i stared at them blanky before coming up with "blah blah blah". I seriously can't remember what I said, but I know for sure it was a total flop. It's that bad till i got amnesia. I love baby for taking me to the movies to make me forget about that dreaded exerience.

Girls day out next week - I love. Chilling out at the Botanic Gardens with my favourite guy - I also love. Staying and home and sleep the whole day is priceless nowadays 'cause of the dreaded school work. I've never hated school 'cause of the workload till this year, I hope next years' going to be better with (hopefully) shorter hours of school and lesser commitments. I need to make more plans to make me happy.

Clarity, Peace, Serenity

2008-06-30T16:56:00.002+08:00

3 things essential in life, apperantly of which I lack of.
Today marks 1/2 of the year already.
No more bad luck, please.

On cloud 9

2008-06-22T15:18:00.004+08:00

Fariz and I have been hanging out at the Botanic Gardens, watching the sky as the clouds go by, talking non-stop about stuff, cloud-watching, bubble-blowing, junk food eating, basically just enjoying each other's company. Its called distressing with nature and the loved one- I like.

I went shopping with my mom the other day, after the big boss gave the green light to spend his money. My mom waste no time, took me out of my study mode and we got ourselves ready for a shopping spree as soon as possible. She still can't park the car for nuts, though, and despite attempting to be her second pair of eyes, i got clumsy and my head got bumped agaisnt the car window with the intention of sticking my head out the window to help her look for the parking lot lines.

We went beserk for shoes and bags, there's like heels and designer bags everywhere. My mom and I tried on every single heel we could set our eyes on. I love everything about Guess, its young and colourful and funky. Sadly, my mom has retired from the brand and moved on to a more auntie-ish brand, like Bonia. There was this time where my mom just grabbed a 500 dollar bag, and the sales assitant came up and asked if she wants to purchase it; and my mom replied 'Wait, I have to ask my husband first,' while giving the bag back to the sales assistant and then running of. I think I have just learnt from the best.

If everyday could be all shopping and cloud-gazing, I'll be on a bed of roses. I hate to burst my own bubble but I have to - mid-year exams just had to start tomorrow when school re-opens.

Are we watching the right movie?

2008-06-13T22:50:00.006+08:00

In a failed attempt of searching for the appropriate Geofile for human geog essay(s), I shall just complain it here. Okay, I'm done complaining, I've already thrown the book far far away from me.

I had a movie and shopping date with Rachel yesterday, we had a lot of catching up to do. A date with a girlfriend is always lotsa fun, especially the shopping part 'cause I bought practically an outfit. We had soooo much to talk about, her starting school at some private diploma course which would lead her to a shorter and successful education route, and the best part is, she's loving what she's doing now. It makes me wonder, why didn't I quite school and join Rachel?

So we went to catch Narnia as well. We came in 5 minutes late 'cause we talked too much over lunch and kinda lost track of time. The funny thing is, we sat at the wrong seats and Rachel insist that we were at the wrong theatre 'cause she distinctively remembered from reading the book that the beginning was totally different. We were about to get up and made a fool of ourselves, until the one of the characters pop out.

Met baby afterwards for dinner and more shopping. He bought me a pair of flats, which I'm overly contented with.

I feel like I haven't studied a single thing, but by right I'm doing it bit by bit almost everyday, cooping myself up in my room. I think I'm a bit paranoid.

Happy 6th Monthsary Love,
1/2 the year down, forever to go ♥

Homeboy

2008-06-09T23:28:00.006+08:00

After 3473275489 hours of staying at home, resting and revising not very religiously as I should, I finally decided to step out of the house, not in school uniform. Home's quieter than usual, despite the new craze and annoying screams of my baby brother's frustration over the PS2 and Counterstrike, other than that, my maid and sister are in Indonesia, my dad's working, my maternal grandmother's doing chores, my mom have been babysitting, my uncle still has school, and my brother's still hibernating in his room.

So the new craze in my house is the newly bought PS2, with the steering wheel controller. My parents wanted to buy PS3 but since they thought that it was only used by my baby brother, they didn't. In the end, everyone at home's addicted to it, taking shifts on who gets the steering wheel controller, and we have like 3 diferent versions of Need for Speed and some other shooting games. I realize that I'm a bad driver, I have sense of direction, and I even pressed on the accelerator wrongly that I can't even move. There's a technique to it k.

Only my mom and me send my sis and maid off, and the funny thing is, after dropping off my sis and maid at the terminal, my mom and I got lost after we parked our car. We went to some exit which was supposedly for staff only and we had to walked all the way from Terminal 2 to Terminal 1, at some ulu place 'cause we have no idea how to get out. I had lunch with my mom afterwords, it's been a long time since I did so, 'cause I used to have mini shopping trips where it's just me and her. My mom talked about my cousins graduating from uni, going to work etc, and I could feel her anticipation for me to go through all that to. I'm her eldest daughter after all and she probably can't wait to relive what she went through or did not through me.

My mom forgot where she parked her car, and she was so not confident of driving at the highway (thank god I came along), she nearly went the wrong way which could lead us to some ulu place, and she was driving so slow that a lot of drivers honked at us. We then picked up my dad, so while waiting my mom decided to practice her parking skills, 'cause it really sucked as she always parked the car super senget. She spotted lot no. 48, in the end she ended parking in the middle of 47 and 48, so it was a failed attempt. Since my mom's short,shorter than me, her carseat is pulled all the way to the front and she needs to seat on a cushion or else she won't be able to see. I love to mock at my mom when she's driving, 'cause she will scream for no reason whenever a car overtakes and she's so afraid to go beyond 60 km/h. Ironically, I think I'm gonna be exactly like her when I start driving.

Scope

2008-06-07T11:31:00.009+08:00

I think I don't have one.
I don't even know what's bothering me all this time.

*

I accompanied my mother to bring my sick baby brother to the doctor's over at Marine Terrace. Although I shift all over, the only place that I could walk around blind-folded is Marine Parade (and the place is not a west-side wannabe, Fariz). Not many of my new friends knew this, but despite the many big houses I stayed in, my second home was a 5-room HDB flat over Marine Terrace, around the vicinity are my primary school and secondary school, my grandmother's place, all my closest friends live around the area, and the old favourite hang-out place, Parkway Parade.

As I stepped into the familiar place, the feeling of nostalgia just naturally comes in. My mom parked her car at the carpark opposite KC, at the block where Rosanne, my favourite bimbotic shopping buddy, stay. Rosanne was KC's Latecoming Queen during my time, ironically she lives 500m opposite the school. Something very familiar to what's happening now, her mom would constantly call me to check up on her, just because I'm the more responsible one out of the two. Rosanne was my primary 6 best friend, and the both of us 'renewed' our friendship when we were sec 4. I miss that bimbotic shopping buddy of mine.

Adjacent to KC there's a private apartment where Vanessa stays. I remember going over her house back in the day for projects and stuffs, her maid is super friendly and her younger sister simply adores me ( I have no idea why), 'cause she claims that I'm 'sexier' than Vanessa. I love going boy-crazy with her, 'cause she's the ultimate boy-crazy girl you've ever met. I love Vanessa to bits, and I know she's the only one that won't allow any boy to steal me away from her.

Adjacent to St Pat's locates Rachel's forever-upgrading bungalow with a pool! The girls and I love hanging out at her place 'cause not only is there a pool that we could just dip in anytime, she also has an enetertainment room , something like a KTV lounge, and all those gizmos. Vanessa, Deepana and I seem to be part of her family already, after all these years. And it's super hilarious to watch Vanessa either hunt or oogle over Rachel's twin brother 'cause she has a huge crush on him, the only guy her age that she has a crush on. I wonder what she sees in him, 'cause all I see in Rex is Rachel.

I can't wait to hang out with my girls again, soon. We had so many dreams together, go backpacking in USA when we're 21, sign up for the Amazing Race, be each other's bridesmaids when we get married, laugh at each other's big tummy when we get pregnant, make all our kids each other's playmates and beyond, overall have this lasting friendship as long as we live. I love my girls dearly, not forgetting my baby, and they love me too (:

I wish I was a kid again

2008-06-03T21:47:00.003+08:00

I kept asking Khalid, my 4 year old brother, "So what are you gonna do next?", "I dunno," he replied. All Khalid has to worry about is to find what to do or play next. For me its a whole new different story, I have to worry about the upcoming mid-year exams, my future, and all those other shit that goes along with it.

Maturity goes along with growing up, fragmanted imaginations and ridiculous frets on the littlest thicngs come with maturity; how I wish I was a child again - innocent, naive, fearless. Right now I'm fretting over my stupid drawer which got stuck. My graphic calculator is in it, which I can't do math without it, and it worries me 'cause my grades have been deteriorating and I need an ultimate comeback - somehow.

I so wanna scream right now.

Taming the young diplomats

2008-06-01T11:01:00.003+08:00

So I assume everyone's been busy mugging for MYE (I've been living in a hole lately, or a foreign land called NTU), and with Pre-U Sem done, I should more or less start mugging too. Yea, I think I should.

Pre-U Sem was an experieance, not to wild about it though, 'cause it was very diplomatic (it should be diplomatic) but I like the idea of youths getting involve with issues regarding Singapore of today. The organizers kept emphasizing the prestige of the Pre-U seminar, us participants being the cream of the crop, future leaders blah blah blah. In my opinion, the seminar is more of the battle of the junior colleges - or more precise the elite schools - on who could come up with the most, longest, complicated, controversial questions, either to show off how smart they are or just to shoot the other school down during the parallel presentations.

My seminar group was ok, a mixture of Year Ones and Year Twos, Poly student and even an IP student, but it was very cliquey 'cause some of the girls from the higher end are obviously after this only supposedly hot judo guy from an elite school. We had a lot of eccentric characters, heck I think most of the participants are uniquely weird, such characters you will never find in MI. My only solace were those nights with Team Millennia at Darwina's room, since she was sleeping alone, we laughed till we rolled on the floor, and made so much noise till the security guard had to chase all 10-15 of us out of her room, and afterwards we still could escape from lights out by having a night escapade around NTU campus.

You could tell the different bond each school has, some of my friends from my SG( seminar group) do not even know their other schoolmates who are also taking part in Pre-U sem. And the girls (technically everyone) in JCs are naturally bitchier and more competitive, compared to the friends I made in MI, which was kind of a rude wake up call for me to push myself to work harder.

I was down with fever on the 3rd day and had to be sent back home early. I was kinda relief 'cause I really needed the rest anyway. Ive been falling ill quite often lately, like just before I went for Pre- U sem I was sick with slight fever too.

Oh, I also had the most nicest roomie ever, Medalene from JJC. She's in Year 2 too and somehow she's a big fan of MI. We instantly click, bitched about our groupmates every single night, went everywhere together and she even helped me iron my white blouse. I'm going miss her loads.

Oh another thing, the people who went for Pre-U sem are also going for SMUN.

I can't wait for dance practices (:
and my ice-cream date with baby (((:

Untitled

2008-05-30T10:19:00.000+08:00

stomach ache and cramps and fever don't go well together.

A few chapters later

2008-05-16T22:09:00.015+08:00

A year ago, I splashed water at Fariz during Sports Day, and he was damn mad.

Today during the sports meet, we had a great time poking fun at each other, pointing out our unintentional 'best friends', no splashing water at each other though but I hit his shoulder with a bottle and it bounced.

Time flies, literally. So many major events went by, sometimes I wished that I had more time to dwell on its significance, or at least try to appreciate my fate that has been bestowed upon me.

After 10 years of sisterhood,

we bloom where we were planted.

The first burning passion with the old

has never died down with the new

I know we'll stay true to each other,

for we have each other's interest at heart.

From small 'farts'

to big 'farts', our aspirations are met.

Our very first together,

and definitely not the last.

One of the cheerful days

2008-04-25T20:47:00.003+08:00

after a long period of sadness, i was tickled pink today.

first of all, it was a short day in school. i didn't really have lessons today as the teacher didn't turn up. just more crapping sessions with classmates.

second, dance was super fun. i got a belated birthday treat from the dancers, how sweet of them. and i got sat on and my legs got pulled countless of times, more than usual and the rest, for that exact reason. i love the company in dance, such hilarious lovely fun girls, totally reminds me of kc. and we always talked about (or bitch) about our own boyfriends, and those guys whom caught their eye. and AND we learnt new dance steps which is sooooo fun, cause i guess i kinda miss those intensive trainings.

third, i met baby after dance today. in a good mood. so he's happy when i'm happy. but before i met him i went to change with some of the dancers. i was using christine's phone to call him, he didn't pick for ages, and went he did eventually pick up, i just blurted out 'hey baby' unaware of others around me. and the whole washroom went 'ooh' and 'aahh' and christine was like 'humaira calls fariz baby. i wanna call someone baby too, i want a baby' to isabella. and most of my dance juniors actually recognize fariz, and they thought that we're cute as a couple 'cause he's gigantic compared to me. yes, i exaggerate a lot.

so anyway, when i'm in a good mood, baby's in a good mood too. so today we had fun, we had dinner together and then he sent me home. crapped and bitched with him all the way.

if only i could wish for more of these feel-good-days.

Fragile

2008-04-20T21:12:00.002+08:00

this is my 3rd post for the day, i just feel so agitated 'cause:
1) i miss my grandmother
2) i want to spent every single second with her
3) i hate school

Of Nil

2008-04-20T18:01:00.004+08:00

i hate being at home, alone in my room, with my thoughts and worries running wild as i have so many things to ponder on, especially now with so many worries.

i miss my dear grandmother terribly. i've regretted not fulfilling her request of staying over her place weeks after weeks. now i'm not sure if i'll be able to stay at home with her even.

so i just turned 18 on the 18th of this month. nothing really special happened, not till the 19th when fariz was on a mission to make me happy (and he did; i must emphasize that he's sssooooooooo sweeeet. i love him loads), just a sudden inflicted pain and sadness. i'm greatful for friends and teachers whom actually care and dishearten by responses like 'whatever' just because i've been missing out on a whole lot of after-school-activities because of some other reasons. now i know it shouldn't bother me but it does. somehow. i have no idea why. but i know for sure that i'm letting this stupid minor matter go, slowly.

my mom went out of town on my birthday and my grandmother to the hospital the night before. somehow i felt very lonely without their presence, especially on the day that i was born. i mean, my mom gave birth to me and my grandmother brought me up. and they weren't really around on the 18th. despite many birthday wishes from friends and the birthday song from A2 and that wow gift from baby, i didn't feel elated at all.

so after school on friday the 18th, i visited my grandmother with my sister and fariz, but fariz had to stay hidden. it was such a pity tu see tubes all over, she looked more scrawny then usual, she could barely recognize me; but i knew she did somehow when she started to hold my hand tightly. i told her it was my birthday that day, 'cause every year she would never have forgotten my birthday (but she did forget the rest) and would never fail to ring me up to wish me. and she did wished me that day; in a soft mumble, with a pinch of excitement in her tone. i asked her if she could remember how old i was, she couldn't so i told her i'm 18. and she said 'waahhh, you are very young' (in malay of course) and i told her no, i'm approaching adulthood (which in my opinion kinda sucks). i talked to her a bit more, asking her the most random stuff like if she has a cramps, 'cause i had cramps that day, and dolly her pet cat. the 3 of us left when my grandmother was asleep. even then she wouldn't want to let go of my hand.

time for her is indeed running short. i miss the times growing up when my grandmother was still well, she would send me to kindergarten everyday, cook me, dress me up, tell me endless stories. i remember the time when she 'trained' my brother and i during fasting month when we were really really young. we usually had lunch break then continue fasting till sunset. of course my brother and i would eat sneakily every now and then.

i miss my grandmother; anything other than that doesn't really interest me that much, especially school.my social life and school are taking so much of my time, time that could've been spent with her, time for all those sleep overs at her house, time spent talking to her.

i just hope to be by her side again and again and again and again.......

Inflicted Sadness

2008-04-20T13:47:00.002+08:00

to those who actually cared;
thank you for caring ♥

Guardian Angels

2008-04-13T10:28:00.005+08:00

when the whole world is crashing down on me, sometimes i totally forgot who are the ones that will stick it through by m; i forgot my roots, my original fun joy peace and laughter, my girls. i underestimated them, i thought they wouldn't care about what i'm going through currently, i thought they wouldn't understand and probably thought these things were pretty much unimportant to them.however, i thought wrong. they are willing to accept and learn. their care and concern for me are undescribable; something i missed along the way.

i turn eighteen in 5 days time, and i thought of celebrating it solemnly alone, or with that special someone. i planned to cry on the day that i exist. why? because i thought the world had given up on me, and i too had given up on the world. since the month of april started, or in particular last week, i have been showing signs of weakness and the same melancholic expression which was obviouse to my peers in school. i have been breaking down every single day recently, and i know its pointless to cry and a waste of time and energy, but when you feel beyond helpless, you can't help but let the tears flow.

rachel's annual birthday party yesterday was rather a quiet, sweet occassion, like every year. however she felt something was missing yesterday; her twin brother who's in australia for his studies. it's the first year that they're not celebrating together and she didn't look too content yesterday. i guess she misses him a lot; so did vanessa.

my dear angels weren't satisfied with me not having a bash to celebrate my birthday, so they're gonna make one for me. and they didn't forget absout the other guardian angel. i guess i'm lucky to have them.

birthdays are eat-as-much-cake-as-possible days.

It's in the genes

2008-04-10T19:49:00.008+08:00

apperantly cats hate camera flashes, and my dear sister is very much alike me, except that she's more 'minah rock' than me. check out her specs.

then there's my lovely fariz who treats my oh-so adorable baby brother like a rugby ball. poor brother of mine got smashed when fariz tapped his ez link and he tried to run pass through, but the doors closed on him. lucky thing he didn't cry due to baby's outburst of loud laughter, despite his pain.

so anyway touch rug is sooooo fun with the group, we literally smashed into each other's boobs. somehow i could feel my outrage for everything in the world releasing, either that or i cried it all out, which i usually do. suryati can be our captain, she's so good with tactics, and whenever shemona, her and i combo together, we would always win. pe has never been this fun.

i think the number 3 is a taboo number. you'll always get the punishment on the third time you did the same mistake. WHY the third and not the fourth or fifth or sixth?

To the best friend I never had

2008-03-23T19:31:00.004+08:00

when i was 4 years old, i had an imaginary friend. i can't remember her name though, but i knew she was my only outlet for my inner thoughts and feelings. somehow since way back then, i've always chose to bottle up my feelings and keep it within myself. i guess i don't see a need to bother anyone with my emotional turmoil, either that or i didn't fully trust that person.

so for all these years i've been bottling up all my inner deep emotions. i've been dealing with it on my own, forever thinking that i am strong enough to overcome my emotions before it takes control of me. i was my own best friend. but somehow things did not go as i wish it could and i did let my emotions take over, i'll get hysterical.

my mother had always told me that whenever i have any doubts or problems in life i should always tell my parents. however, how am i gonna open to them when they didn't open up to me in the first place?

in one way or another, there's always a gap between me and my countless of good friends. they would usually share with me their secrets, some about something so dignified such as losing their virginities, others with the typical feelings for the opposite sex. i do share with them my secrets as well, but not those inner thoughts/feelings type. just something on the surface. everyone that i eventually get super close with didn't manage to crack me open.

sometimes i do feel invisible to everybody. i feel that nobody knows me, that nobody sees me, nobody feels what i felt, nobody sees how i really am. except my best friend that i never had.

it took me 14 years since i've developed secrets of my own for someone to really break that bottle within me. i've finally found the best friend that i yearn for all these years. i have never had that connection i with anyone else but him. for once, i didn't feel like i was living in a different world from everyone else, but that, in fact, there's a person, a person i love and respected, who had a piece of my heart (or more), who felt the same way.

to the best friend i never had,
where have you been all these years ?
oh wait, you've told me the answer already;
you've been searching for me too.

CIP loves

2008-03-21T11:59:00.003+08:00

yesterday's cip day was a blast. my mom told me not to go to school yesterday and leave it as a one week holiday for me but i insited on going. helped out wherever i can as i was so clueless in the preparation stuff. baby came to help out impromptu, with the permission of my home tutor. but everything went smoothley and everyone enjoyed themselves.

and i didn't know that the organisation is so near my house. went back home after having a super duper late lunch 'cause my nose was getting wheazy again. it sucks to be sick. and now i have to brace myself for a jam pack week ahead. i need to recuperate.

Leave Britney alone!

2008-03-20T22:59:00.002+08:00

dude, britney your best friend ah?

House of Mutes

2008-03-19T23:39:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wonder if we, children, misunderstood our parents, or is it if they misunderstood us.
i can't stand my parents now, it's on the verge (or already is) turning into hatred towards them. it's plain cruelty and unfairness to shot me down and not letting me lead my own life and actually have my own privacy and allowing me to date, or at least have guy friends. my parents think that i'm only allowed to eat, sleep, breathe with females and only females. males are non-existent in my life.

so what if there's this really really special male in my life? so what if i get intimate with him. i'm only human.

my dad says "men actually pay a lot of money to actually touch a woman (marriage). if men touch you for free you are considered cheap".

fuck. so my daddy's calling me a prostitute now.
i might as well run to gateway hotel and join the troupe of prostitutes, since it's just across my house.

you know he could just lecture me and put in nicer terms, at least not to make me feel so low. i didn't know my dad didn't have a heart, and by my dad's brainwashing techniques, my mom's in it too.

my parents don't even now the real me. at home i'm some hermit-crab, locking myself in my bedroom, rarely talking to anyone. in school i'm a whole different person. it's not my fault that i chose to stay quiet and mute at home. now they're complaining. more like my dad. it's not my fault that they didn't approach to me or any of my siblings and actually open up to us first and making the first move to ask "how's your day?" since we were young. fuck, no wonder all your kids are mutes dad. 'cause you yourself is a mute, one who can't speak. only know how to scold. and we only know how to ask money from you. 'cause you have never bothered to get to know what we're doing in school, what cca we are in, what's our classes, what we're studying in school, how old are we. fuck you know nothing about your own children. at least mom nows a teeny weeny bit, but hell yea, both of them are still clueless.

and you know what's the sad part about my family? we stopped celebrating each other's birthdays. it just started this year, my sister's birthday being the earliest. no one wished her happy birthday on her big day. and it was a sunday. not a single soul in the house. except for me. and that was only through friendster. isn't it sad? she had a lonely 14th birthday, no cake, nothing at all. i would cry in a dark corner if i were her, but she kept it strong and shove the thought away. same thing happened with my brother. i bet he spent his whole birthday with his girlfriend, i would do the same thing.

and i find it simply not fair that i didn't get a chance to have a healthy relationship with my soulmate. didn't you fall in love when the both of you were 17-18-19? i doubt so, 'cause if they do, at least they have the heart to guide me in my first and last serious relationship. but they don't. they want me to end it. so what if he's a pakistani dad or he's not good-looking according to you. i bet more girls fell for him compared to you when you were his age, since you're the biggest mute anyway. you and mom don't know him the way i do, heck the both of you don't even bother. so why pass judgement just like that, and fyi, i've learnt that not all men crave for sex when they get into a relationship with a woman.

in this house of mute, at least 3 kids, ranging the ages of 14-18, live separate lives, in their own bedrooms, in their own worlds, in their own schools. they share a common thing - their ignorance towards their parents.

On sick leave

2008-03-18T13:23:00.005+08:00

i have never been a fan of paracetamol, or any other pills that is. it's just soooo hard to swallow and uberly icky with a funny disgusting taste.

duh, that's why its called medicine.

my syrup for my horrendous phlegm really does look like phlegm, from the way it oozes out of the bottle and it's greenish-yellowish colour. yucks. it tastes horrible to. but not as bad as paracetamol.
all my medicine said that it may cause drowsiness, it's sure effective 'cause the next 20 min later i'll be falling asleep, and probably would wake up 2 hours after that.
oooh did you know cough medicine is made up of cockroaches' pee? i didn't know that till baby told me.

sigining out yesterday was fast and painless compared to everyone's elses expriences of signing out. i guess i got lucky. it was my first time signing out of school, and the school clerk was rather stunned and made little remarks that i have never signed out of school before. well, there's a first time for everything. i'm no longer a signing-out virgin. thanks joyce for accompanying me (: .

i went to school for the release of the PW question and stayed for gp. gp lesson was fun. since only the 6-7 of us had done our timed assignment, we had to the AR thingy with our gp tutor. then we flipped through vogue and made relentless comments on the models' boobs and even our own boobs, as well as the clothes on the various adverts. it was the most fun gp lesson ever, brings back the times in KC whereby the girls and i skipped the weekly assembly programme to do the exact same thing.

went to my grandmother's house last night with my mom and my sister and khalid. my aunt had some facial demonstration thingy and i was sooooo drowsy that i was falling asleep.

i have 3 days of MC. yayness.

Blurted out

2008-03-16T21:45:00.003+08:00

so the whole world knows about abang phareeez by now when i went over to my grandma's place just now.

thanks to my super duper adorable baby brother khalid for shouting my boyfriend's name out loud in excitement.

i should have never let khalid snatched the phone from me whenever i'm talking to fariz.

i think i shouled get khalid a mini PSP for babies or something so that my little cute annoying brother would get himself occupied and kept his mouth shut. well that's what i hoped.

Bullshit

2008-03-16T12:12:00.003+08:00

school starts tomorrow and i have not completed all my assignments.
i call it plain procrastination.
baby calls it bullshit.

BFFL

2008-03-15T18:59:00.003+08:00

rachel tan ying ying finally wore make-up when deepana and i met up with her. nothing heavy, simple mascara to elongate her uber short eyelashes and a bit of eyeshadow. she said she wanted to blend in with the students in her new private diploma school whom she said the girls wore heavy make-up. she dresses more maturely too, ironically the clothes she wore that day wasn't handpicked by her but by her dad. she hates to go shopping.

and i was commenting on how deepana's legs were shiny after she shaved her hairy legs and rachel went "oh you have to shave your legs ?", and i replied her with "i bet rachel you don't even shave". and she agreed. rachel's a more naked mole rat than me. not fair.

i can't wait for her pool party when she turns 18 on the april 12. 6 days later it'll be my turn. she's the oldest of us 4 and the shortest. i promised her that i'll get her a korean husband since she's so crazy about korea for no reason. singaporean guys don't suit her anyway. this girl is gonna be a full time tai-tai or a career woman in the future, at least i know how to sweep the floor.

the other day i had conference with my girls, and i told them that i was elected to be president. they laughed at me, considering the fact that i was one of those criminals in KC that never get caught for trouble. deepana, vanessa and rachel have pretty clean records compared to me and nisa. after all, nisa and i were partners in crime. so the 3 thought it'll be cool to see me run and turn the school upside down if i do get the post. deepana was kinda pissed at this girl in MI called deepana 'cause she thought that she's the only deepana in the world. and she was so dishearten by the fact that there's another deepana.

fariz and i play the silliest games to entertain ourselves. we invented this left-right game after talking about drink-driving and i always gave in too early. he easily gets amused by me. i have no idea why.

there was this time in school recently that both jai and him partner up to re-bully me like last year. i miss last year, everybody was more carefree and the workload and pace wasn't that shitty.

i don't want school to start so soon.

Pushing Up the Daisies (a.k.a inanimate)

2008-03-12T19:45:00.005+08:00

4 hours and 15 min till my presidential speech is due to be e-mailed to the SC teachers and i have no idea what to say about myself, totally pointe blank. so people, please take pity on me, and don't laugh at me when i go on stage to recite my speech, and vote for the best candidate that totally deserve the title and authority (i'm so not directing it at myself).

die die die. i feel so brain dead.

so i went home alone in such a long long long time since baby send me home every single day, on which i recently found out the reason why he was so concern about my safety. i asked my mom to pick me up from the train station, but she decided no to because 1)it already stopped raining and 2)she wanted to watch american idol.

i was kinda pissed with her for a little while, she chose tv over me, her tired daughter who has to walk for 7 minutes in her drenched sneakers just to get home. alone.

on my way home i couldn't think of anything to write about in my speech, all i could think of was baby and his dark past and the fact that he couldn't send me home like he always do. i started tearing a lot in the train, 'cause everyone knows that PMS brings out the emotions in everyone, and i missed him so baddddddddd that i wish that we couldn't parted. and i actually forgot that the both of us were no longer in the same school untill it hit me when i walked back home and cried some more, only then i realize that things aren't going to be the same anymore. and i hate to get myself accustom to changes 'cause i take such a long time to adapt. i guess i'll be slightly or rather inanimate in school without him around.

supposedly it's the march holidays but poor me have to go back to school for diploma lessons and dance camp. hate diploma lessons but can't wait fo dance camp. i'm so gonna bring my homework over to dance camp.
somehow, the holidays reminded me of playhouse mooney days, and how baby and i fell for each other (technically he had a crush on me first, then way after that i had a crush on him). i love those courtship days, where baby woos me and attempted to win me over, even though he kept insisting that he felt confident in getting me, 'cause i'm such a sucker for boys who bully me all the time. he still does, he's my biggest bully ever, ironically my biggest love too.

my sister has a japanese boyfriend. or soon-to-be-boyfriend. how cool.
i have a pakistani-arab-malay boyfriend, even cooler.
but i think my sister and i are the coolest, 'cause we're arab-indian-chinese-arab-chinese. haha.

i love my sister. funny i use to dislike her too, like the way i dislike Fariz the obnoxious big big big bully.

this only illustrates that there are different sides to people and you should give them a chance. seriously.

damn i miss my baby boy soooooo badddddd.

i hope i get my sanity back 'cause i really need to work on my speech.

P.S : Happy pre-3rd Monthsary Baby ♥
3 down forever and ever and a happily ever after to go

Claudine

2008-03-10T08:27:00.002+08:00

i wish i could dance in the meadows during summer, when the flowers start blooming. i would be wearing a white flowy dress, where it rides up whenever i twirl, and me tripping over, rolling around, giggling and making fun of myself. i won't feel embarrassed in any way 'cause there's no one there to laugh at me but my soulmate.

Instinct

2008-03-04T10:17:00.003+08:00

i just have this feeling that daddy still hates me for what i've done.
oh well.

i'm tired of sneezing already.

Exposed

2008-02-23T21:04:00.004+08:00

my daily routine consists of the same old meet-Fariz-as-much-as-possible lately, especially in the current situation that he is in (he's probably on the edge of his seat), he needs me more than ever. and i vowed to stick by him through thick and thin. he's doing the same for me.

JAE orientation is going to end in a day's time, and i'm really really glad that all the three councils, student, NE and sports, are working along very well in this orientation despite creating friction in the beginning. and i can't wait for orientation to end, not because of the workload that i'm going through, but because i think i'm dying in the a level syllabus (what more with my diploma modules) and i need an instant revival. i like it when some of the JAE girls whom recognized me from the school's open house, looking up to me in terms of my achievements. i have nothing to brag about (except for my loveliest boyfriend) but i do share with them my experiences and gave them advice whenever they need it. at least i'm setting a good example. i hope.

being, eating, talking, walking around with Fariz got my SC teachers-in-charge questioning our relationship, and i can't keep it a secret from them because its kinda obvious. and i thought they'll make a big fuss about it 'cause of the whole his (used to be) bad-boy-with-lots-of-discipline-problem image and my squeeky clean one, i suppose they would object to it. but surprisingly, they're cool with us, even Ms Ng who is Fariz's no. 1 public enemy is concern about the plight he's in. one thing i know about the three SC teachers is that they love to drink bubble tea.

some people think that my relationship with Fariz is getting out of hand, especially our parents. we're not crazy in love, we're just in love with each other. i guess both our parents don't know the feeling of being love, considered the fact that both pairs are match-made. no one will abrupt my feelings for Fariz, because the level of comfort i have with him is just so high, heck i feel 7508943758949670486095607 times and infinity comfortable around him than any one else in the world. he feels the same way too.

so if we're spending so much time together, why not get married some will ask. of course i would love to get married to him, but there's so many million factors that we have to consider, we're not like those dumb kids who hadve shotgun marriages and living life with a burden on their shoulders. if i have access to my trust fund and if he had access to a whole lot of money, we would be running away to Gretna Green right now and get ourselves married. haha, how i wished.

The gift of joy

2008-02-16T00:19:00.003+08:00

i guessed everyone loved my gift to baby. and i mean everyone.
i took some time off studying for common test (actually i didn't really study for common test, i was too engrossed in making the perfect gift for my baby). so after 932475094370 years it's finally done.

i love to see people's expressions when they receive any forms of gifts or presents from me. it's like sharing the joy.

and AND baby gave me a bouquet of rosesa few hours ago. i was uber shocked, obviously my heart certainly melted. i've always wished to receive a big bouquet of roses just to feel that i-deserve-a-bouquet-of-roses-thank-you-very-much feeling. trust me, it feels beyond awesome.

my mother wanted to put the bouquet of roses Fariz gave me on display somewhere in the house (my grandparents and her kinda guessed that i was attached, and they're okay with it. 'exposure' they call it, as long as i don't go too far. like what's too far for them is so different from my definition). my grandmother gladly gave me a vase to put the flowers inside, and i did, along with the bouquet that joyce and fiona gave me. now i'm thinking of learning how to do flower arrangements.

i guessed my fetish for flowers kinda grew after V Day.

Valentine's Day mishaps

2008-02-14T22:12:00.004+08:00

i had like 7 minutes to get to school from bukit batok mrt station for my lit paper. desperate 'cause there's no bus in sight, i took a freaking cab. rushed all the way to the hall. thank god i was just in the nick of time, i sat down at my seat when the teacher said 'you can begin your paper now'.

so there wasn't any lovey-dovey poems. instead it was about death. i bet the teacher who set the poems is a lonely soul to do such a cruel thing on valentine's day. even my essay on othello focuses on the break down of relationships and desdemona's death. oh how ironic.

after the paper, the madness of valentine's day begin. THANK YOU JOYCE and FIONA FOR THE LOVELY SMALL BOUQUET OF ROSES AND CHOCOLATE AND CEREAL STUFF. THANK YOU CHUMPA FOR THE WATER GUNS FOR YOUR SAINT VALENTINE MASSACRE.THANK YOU MODERN DANCERS FOR YOUR LOVELY HUGS. THANK YOU GIRLFRIENDS FOR YOUR LOVELY AND WARM WISHES, I MISS YOU GIRLS LOADS.

so the first time in my life i had a valentine on valentine's day. baby surprised me after my paper with a super duper cute teddy bear which says 'i love you more than ever for all those special things you do, though most of all i love you for simply being you'. gosh and its only the first out of the don't-know-how-many-presents-he's-getting-me. i shall name it Cuddles, just like the lovely cuddly person who gave it to me. today went well, i wouldn't have changed it in any way.

i got this from baby's blog. i guess i'm gonna start quoting from his blog, cause whatever he writes either amuses me or melts my heart. and like finally after 3943658943709584 years he actually updated on this very special occassion. so this is partly what he had to say:

and baby, i tucked in my shirt today. =))))))
u have no idea how much u mean to me and how much i love u. =)))

in the middle of all the fun, i just had to get myself an extra hump (bruise) on my forehead, and its kinda huge. i hope it swells down by tomorrow, 'cause it kinda hurts pretty badly.
today was definitely memorable, the most enthu valentine's day i've ever experience, not only with my soulmate but also with my beloved friends.

THANK YOU FARIZ FOR ALL THE MEMORABLE THINGS YOU'VE DONE, FOR TAKING CARE OF ME WHEN I'M NOT WELL OR HURT, FOR SHOWERING ME WITH YOUR ENDLESS LOVE, FOR THE BITCHING SESSIONS WE HAD, FOR LETTING ME SEEING THE REAL YOU, THE YOU THAT I FELL AND STILL FALLING IN LOVE WITH. I LOVE YOU BABY ♥

'you cut me open and i keep bleeding in love'

In thy name of love;

2008-02-14T09:20:00.003+08:00

this was taken from baby's blog. i found rather amusing (and adorable) :

am i suppose to end there??i shud??ok.end of story.the end.

ok everyone laugh in synchronizing form.

so it's common test week and it's gonna end tomorrow. thank god.
and i have lit paper 1 today.
i think the teachers purposely setn the lit paper on valentine's day.
like othello is a play about a love tragedy. mark my words, it's still a tragedy. i hope we get some lovey-dovey poem.

paper starts in 2 hours. over and out.

Help, please

2008-02-10T21:22:00.000+08:00

here i am in my most sophisticated hairstyle, done with only 2 tiny hair clips, in a twisted ponytail, like i do everyday when i'm home. so i'm desperate. my hair screams desperate. my mind screams desperate.

i was frantically searching for relevant notes for tomorrow's papers, but apparently i have misplaced all my loose scraps of VIP (very important papers). shoots - i should have cleared all those after promos, despite the fact that i had all the time in the world back then when i skipped school almost every other day.

so i ended up going through whatever i can find from last year. then i got bored, so i did splits while doing my revision. well i'm proud to say that i pushed myslef down to do a proper right split despite having a sanitary pad in between my thighs. now i'm starting to miss the ambience of the dance room and my crazy dance khakis.

so i guess my little accomplishment gave me a sense of hope that i can pull it through for the common test period next week, since i really do feel i am ultimately unprepared to sit for any of the papers. my biggest source of comfort would definitely be Fariz - my best friend, my boyfriend, my soulmate all rolled into one big loud crazy kukunehneh fella. 'study smart' would be his wise words. gosh, i don't even know what study smart is. i just study (and sometimes get distracted).

so why feel so insecure now when i've conquered it last year?

Has anyone seen my mojo ?

2008-02-10T15:25:00.000+08:00

currently, bombastic economic terms are jumbled in my brain, like there's a difference between marginal propensity to save (MPS) and marginal propensity to consume (MPC). wait - there is !

and why am i studying econs now when i have GP and Lit Paper 5 tomorrow ?

i feel that i truely lost my mojo.
one wonders how i ended up being the top student of the class last year, it's kinda astonishing, 'cause i still haven't figured out what exactly i did to achieve such positions last year.
either that or i have truely lost my mojo.
i sooooo can't be an economist in the future.

The monthly cycle

2008-02-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

the agony of having prolonged cramps 2-3 days before having my period was ultimately painful, but once my period did start to come, the agony keeps on accumulating. gosh i hate having that time of the month, for i have the most weirdest pre-menstrual symptoms, PMS before and during my period, and heavy tidal waves, unbearable for a petite female like me.

i remembered during my pre-pubescent days how i longed for my turn to come, as a handful of my friends received theirs by the time they hit 12. eventually mine did came on my 13th birthday, it so happens to be a school day. i just stood near the bathroom, with blood dripping from my vagina. my mom was frantically lookinng for sanitary pads to hand over to me, and my brother faisal simply mocked me saying " haha you have to wear diapers " .

and when my family celebrated my birthday that year, my mom had to go around telling all the aunts that my first mensus came (it so happens she was overly exuberant of her eldest daughter had her first period), and all of them would come up to me and shake my hand or hug to congratulate me, since i'm on my " passageway to becoming a women " according to them. i stared at them blankly. now, my only younger sister didn't had this type of treatment, despite the fact that she got it earlier than me or my mom.

KC days were the best times any girl should have their mensus. we would shout openly if we are in need of sanitary pads or help if we stained our pinafores, and every single girl would come to the rescue. i normally won't count the days of my menstruation cycle since mine was pretty irregular back then, so i didn't even bother to bring sanitary pads to school. i could always count on Grace, one of my many many girlfriends back then, and a few others who would bring at least 2 sanitary pads to school every single day. they were my life savers.

now that i'm in MI, where males truely exist, i can't be that open anymore, and it truely sucks. my lifesavers are so limited, however i still cant kick the habit of not being prepared. i remembered last year, there was this one time i had my period and i was frantically in search of a pad with joyce. i approached suhashini in the canteen and asked her openly, unaware that we were standing at a table filled with boys, eating. they paused when i blurted the urgency to su, stared at me, and all i did was shot glances at them, like hello it's an emergency here.

anyway, i also recalled going around asking for sanitary pad with pearl. and we would asked fariz and he would reply " what the @#$% " at us, subsquently pearl and i would 'cover it up' by saying we meant foolscap pad. and fariz would mock us, mostly me, by pretending to take out a used pad in between his crotch just to disgust me. i was fairly disgusted, and as usual, i will shriek in front of him.

but things are different now that fariz and i love each other. i would tell him exact descriptions of how blood oozes out from one's vagina, the most grossest way as possible, just to freak him out. and he did feel disgusted, i guess this is my way of getting back at him for last year's incident. but then again we're so open, we can just laugh at practically anything.

so as i get my monthly cycle of cramps and blood, i'm probably having my worse ones now but i bet it will get worse, but probably in a different way as time to come. now i can't wait for menopause.

edited by fariz. =)

So true

2008-02-06T19:18:00.000+08:00

What Humaira Means

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.
You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.
You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!
You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.
You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

What Abdul Fariz Means

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality.
You are full of energy. You are spirited and boisterous.You are bold and daring. You are willing to do some pretty outrageous things.Your high energy sometimes gets you in trouble. You can have a pretty bad temper at times.
You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row.You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace.People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality.
You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.
You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.
You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings.You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun.Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.
You are incredibly wise and perceptive. You have a lot of life experience.You are a natural peacemaker, and you are especially good at helping others get along.But keeping the peace in your own life is not easy. You see things very differently, and it's hard to get you to budge.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Superwoman Wannabe

2008-01-31T18:39:00.000+08:00

one word : BUSY.
yes, sometimes i'd thought to myself what the hell was i thinking?
but then again i am capable of doing so and so and stretching my potential.

i've been running around in school, especially on wednesdays and fridays when dance practices clash with student council meetings. other than that, i've been approached by teachers to take up external programmes or competitions, there i go again - facing another dilemma, choosing either pre-u seminar or GIS competition (it's geography-related).

so i've chosen to go for the pre-u sem interview recently and i had to report to dance after my attendance was taken for the interview, go back to the library for the interview and after that i rushed to the dance room in the nick of time for chinese new year concert rehearsal. my dance president, rachel, was fairly impressed.

on top of all that, there are assignments to be done, tests to prepare for, and the cleaning up of my brand new house - the one i shifted into 2 weeks ago. since i have no closet yet and i have a lot of luggages filled with clothes, so i have to dig for them. currently my room is an utter disgrace with boxes and luggages everywhere, no curtains and closet. albeit all that, i still have that ambience to study.

and i am so sorry to those that i shone away from, it does not mean that i'm too busy to not even care about other's feelings, cause i do, its just that i was too caught up and unaware.

you know, i am still open if anyone needs my help, whether in the form of a listening ear or what nots, i'm just a call away.

i'm busy, but not THAT BUSY.

so here i go again, zooming off.

'as if '

With Love

2008-01-01T09:57:00.000+08:00

i spent my last day of 2007 with my loved ones; my closest friends, my jackass boyfriend and my family members. it couldn't have been any more perfect to close such a fruitful year. looking back, i'm glad that i chose MI, as the school has opened up a lot of doors for me. i've accomplished so much within this year, completing all my resolutions.the old friends that i still keep in touch with, our friendship will definitely never fade away.the new friends that i made, we've blossomed together to be more than just friends, but the best bunch of peoplethat i adore. i've discovered so much about myself, my strong fighting spirit, my perseverance, my ultimate alter ego,my sarcasm and bitchiness, and so much more. i found this diary entry of mine, dated 3rd March 2007:

i'm so looking ahead for the future.
1) dance - get into SYF and Dancewroks !
2) top student
3) become a student councillor
4) diploma
5) hopefully, mr right

well, i'm proud that i accomplished all the 5 goals i had for myself this year:
1) i did represent the school in SYF and we attained a silver. and i will be representing the school in Danceworks too.and on top of all that, i'm honoured to be a committee member in modern dance.
2) i did get top student in my class which was so unexpected for me. i guess all that slaughtering of notes and assignments did work.
3) i did get chosen to be a part of the 5th student council.
4) i did successfully completed 3 diploma modules. 3 more to go!
5) and mr right was the last one to come by, just in the nick of time.

so here my sweet dedications for the year 2007:
to my dearest family, thank you for your upmost emotional and financial support in everything i do, every move i made.

to my girls in KC, especially nisa, rachel, vanessa, deepana, angela and grace;you girls simply rock my world, our bonds are too strong to be broken.i love you all so much, we've grown up with each other, seen the different stages of us growing up since we were seven.

to my new friends from Millennia: elektra 4(PAE), hesper 3(JAE), 07A3 (PAE), 07A7 (JAE), modern dancers, seniors and random people from the school, thank you for all those fun times we had together in the new campus, froging friendshipswith people of all sorts of personalities and backgrounds. the school has truly given me a mere glimpse of the real society, as compared to my sheltered world.

to 07A3 (PAE), the class that could never be replaced in my heart, these people are like the missing pieces of a puzzle which fit perfectly well. i love each and everyone of you, the experiences i had with you lovelies, and let the 07A3 tickle-me-baby-diao spirit live on.

to 07A7, i'll definitely miss all of you so badly, school will not be the same for me without you guys around. and we'vebeen together as a class for about 8 months, i couldn't imagine us splitting us up, hopefully our friendship will stilllinger.

to the lovely MOO family and PLAYHOUSE MOONEY, fiona, joyce, michelle, melvin, liwen, cindy, fanzhi, jordin, sara and fariz, here's to the many many more fun times in the year to come.

to my many many girlfriends (you know who you are), thank you for being there for me, through my ups and downs, listening to my crappy problems,no one else could replace any of you. i love you all so much.

to fariz, you really stepped into my world at the eleventh hour. albeit all the bullying and the many times you pissed meoff with your shallowness throughout the whole year, i've never would have thought that i would actually get close to you.

so here's to 2008 - a year of strong, unbreakable relationships and more goals fulfilled.

Shout out

2007-12-29T07:58:00.000+08:00

i will never ever ever ever never ever make someone wait for me for four hours ever ever again
i promise.
'cause i wouldn't want to wait that long for someone else either.
but he did, and i'm thankful for that and he made my day in the end as i was kinda tired and pissed and cramping and PMS-ing.
gosh my boyfriend's more patient than me. unbelievable.

Overprotected

2007-12-26T09:39:00.000+08:00

my life is too personal to be shared, to be made into a big hoo-haa about, to be exposed.

only the closest lovelies get to know the dirty little secrets.

yes i know i am the eldest daughter of a well known prosecuter whom expects my other half to be as great as him.
well mom and dad, i'm not like you. i do mix around with people of different social classes, i don't judge them the way both of you do, for my new best friends in MI are not as affluent and snobbish as i am.

blame the school, blame yourselves for not being any stricter.
but how come you have never blame me for all of it?
so how the hell am i going to grow up and venture out in the harsh world, face reality if the both of you are overprotecting me too much ? i won't be your princess forever, i want to be a dominant, strong-headed woman of substance, the way i want to lead my life under my control. sure i will make mistakes here and there, some of which the both of you would not probably forgive me, but that's the whole process of growing up.

boys only want sex from girls. yeah, whatever mom and dad.
i am not THAT stupid to say bye-bye to my virginia.

i've always got the urge to tell my parent's that i'm crooked.
hey in my situation now, i think i shall tell them that i'm a lesbian.

Remedy needed

2007-12-22T23:05:00.000+08:00

about a week till school reopens, and i felt that i totally lost my 2 months of holidays due to a hell lot of commitments. i so totally can count the number of days whereby i just totally stay at home - 8 days out of the whole 2 months of holidays. can one imagine the lack of sleep i have been deprived of, my 12 hours of standard beauty sleep plus my 2 hours of nap and countless of hours of idling. and even if i don't have any school related commitments or work, i have plans with my closest friends.

school commitments = diploma + dance practices + orientation preparation blah blah blah

my first job in my entire 17 years of existence has been kinda fun, considering that the work i'm doing (which is selling school uniforms) is not really that heavy, and the best part of all, i like to laugh at the parents and their kids. i have been doing service most of the time, since the manager observed that i interact with the customers rather well and i have very good estimation skills. my job has opened my eyes to the different types of parents - the really fussy ones, the carefree ones, the uptight ones, and me reminicsing those times when i bought my uniform with my mom and feeling rather embarrassing to try them on whenever i serve a kid and his or her parent(s). i always reassure those parents whom would want to get uniforms that are 2 sizes bigger so that they would save money when the kid grows so as not to buy new ones. goodness, the kid would feel damn uncomfortable in those ultra baggy uniform, and would definitely feel more embarrased when they wear such things every day in school.

most of my colleagues are O level takers whom are waiting for their results to be released. i kindo psycho-ed them about JC life sayin that its tough and all, considering the fact that i told them about my many many commitments. one of them even made a promise to herself not to get tempted by boys and not get attached till she's 21. i told her "honey everyone says that, including my friends and myself - looked what happened to all of us".

i was dragged to this job by girlfriend, but i'm glad she did 'cause i seem to enjoy it.

i have also been spending a lot of time with playhouse MOOney. gosh i love them so, all the funny wacky things we'd do together. not to mention the countless of dates ♥ .

with so many things going on, how can i not dread going to school in a couple of days time?

'now that is all said and done'

The way old friends do

2007-12-19T23:15:00.000+08:00

nisa and i had a conversation whereby she told me all the juicy updates of our ex-classmates. you see, most of us have this mindset whereby we think boys are icky and useless. getting into a relationship with the opposite sex was out of our minds, as we totally despise them (i think all that brainwashing done by the teachers and nuns worked).

however, i am glad to know that most of us, including myself, have tone down that i-dont-need-boys-'cause-i-have-my-girls attitude as most of us got ourselves a boyfriend, even the most unexpected gawky or nerdy girls too are attached. and its just so sweet to see the relationships that blossomed with my KC loves and the lucky guys who got to be with them.

even though nisa still have feelings for me, she can't help but gush at me whenever i told her about baby, she has never felt this joyful for me before as she knows that baby's the one for me. i couldn't agree more, although most of the time he's a jackass (he admits it himself), i can just pour out my emotions to him just like any other girlfriends of mine and i feel so comfortable around him, and he feels the same way too. he gives me tingles in my heart whenever he touched me at the right spots and never fails to show his outmost sincerity towards me.

with all that talk about each other's boyfriends and all, its kind of a tradition that we KC girls must go on mass dates, as to get to know each other's partners. moreover, we all did promised each other that we'll invite each other to our weddings and stuff like that, not forgetting the close friends who get to be bridesmaids. we have already seen each other grow up, from seven-year-olds playing hopscotch to sweet sixteen-year-olds out to venture the world, we were able to witness the different transitions in each other and beyond. i find it so amazing that we are able to sustain our friendship until the end of time. so the saying is true, IJ friends are friends for life.

'it only takes a spark to get a fire going'

So Close

2007-12-13T11:43:00.000+08:00

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

to my biggest romancer♥

Sight

2007-12-12T23:20:00.000+08:00

today has been a long tiring day, from rushing into work to hanging out with the lovelies a.k.a the clique, to getting home past curfew and getting scolded (more like sarcastic remarks) from my mother and the guilt inside when i lied why i was home late to every single family member - my grandparents, my parents, my aunt and even my baby brother. on top of all that, i just feel really shattered today.

however, i did a good deed today. while the clique was waiting for fiona and fan zhi, i witnessed this man who knocked into a visually impaired woman. for the love of God, she's blind and he could still walk away without apologising. she then desperately called for help as she needed to go to the train station. for the love of God again, the crowd just brushed passed her, not even showing any signs of compassion. so little ol' me approached her and asked if she needs any help. "yes, thank you very much. could you please direct me to the mrt station," she replied in a sweet, calming voice. and when she said that to me, she was facing directly at me (probably due to her acute sense of hearing) and i could see her beautiful pair of eyes, despite the woman being visually impaired.

so i held her hand as she told me to do so and directed her to where she was heading. along the way she told me that touched my heart, "thank you so much young lady, i could tell that you are beautiful inside and out. and i'm not saying that because you helped me, but because you have this strong lovely presence about you which makes you beautiful." and right there and then, i feel that i have met my fairy godmother. i didn't tell this to anyone beacause i feel that i would rather keep the joy to myself.

that incident got me deep in thought, especially now after so much that i have gone through with only one person. the sense of sight is the most powerful gift that God has ever given to us human beings, why are we abusing it for seeing something that's just upright trashy. our eyes are so glued to the physical appearance of other Homosapiens, that what's beautiful deep within doesn't really matter anymore. sure, i know this is a cliché thing to say, but it's true (i would love to further elaborate it but somehow i rather not, as i would eventually degrade these people).

i hate the way society stereotype different classes, gender, race, religion, etc of people, despite some being true, but i really pity the minority whom are judged based on their stereotype group. i feel that i am a victim of such, just because i am rather petite and awkward at times and rather not show how affluent i actually am, people just think lowly of me. like, so what if i was an IJ girl and i can connect better with girls, i'll just be a lesbian all my life then. yes, just go up to that girl with the cute buns and ask her out.

seriously i am so pissed till i'm breaking down to tears, i feel rather wasted and just drained from my daily activities, the guilt inside me for not spending time with my maternal side of the family is just piling up as i did not even spend any time with them since they got here and its damn rare that i get to see them. but most of all, i am turbulently vexed for letting things gone too far and too out of hand to the point of disappointment, where i just feel that i lost myself.

the sense of sight is so beautiful to me, as upon stepping into my house, i saw my little cousin and baby brother playing like there's no worries in the world, so carefree like a bird, it so enchanting to see the joy in their faces. i wished everyone was like that, if it were, the whole world would already be a fairytale with a happily ever after. i hope that God could give me more depth to what i am already visualising thorugh my eyes, for i hope that i would able to see and stay away from the things that could simply harm me, cause right now i just feel so frustrated with myself.
and i could feel a big fat i told you so from my girlfriends any moment.

if i would ever met the visually impaired woman again, i would love to thank her and tell her that she's beautiful, because for once in my seventeen years of existence, i truely felt beautiful, and no one else can take that feeling away from me.

'suddenly i see this is what i want to be'

Messy

2007-12-11T01:08:00.000+08:00

as if i never felt any miserable lately, i just did, with thoughts of a could be in my life. i screw things up easily by being so unsure and unconfidant about myself, constantly being fickle minded, thus creating a big jumble mess in brain.

so anyway, some might already have known that i'm in the 5th student council, and i am the assistant in-charge of the addams family (vans being my i/c). we had to draw n paint our clan flags and boy was it messy, with paint all over the floor and all. i was hopping my way through a maze of paints, flags and people, trying to be as graceful as i can be BUT in the process, without noticing, i stepped on a paintbrush which flickered pink paint at sabrina. i too had paint all over, thank god thinner was provided.

i think painting flags is still the messiest.
oh and my mom's side of the family came over to stay for 2 weeks plus plus. i love tham loads - they're the fun bunch compared to my dad's side of the family.

'can anyone help find my way'

Summer Love

2007-12-08T15:06:00.000+08:00

this summer holiday has been really good to us - everyone is falling in love, tell me how can i not feel left behind. i painted an imagery in my mind while listening to nicole scherzinger's baby love, a rather sweet song by her, and i could picture all of my friends with their beloveds on a sandy white beach dancing, swaying, moving to the song mentioned which i would sing to them on stage with a band behind me as the sun is setting. there's joyce and jordin, L and C, my girlfriend and her crocodile, sara and kenneth, michelle with no. 5 or twelve (she gets to pick), and melvin and his girlfriend.

so when the music by the band starts to play, i would start to sing :

I remember like it was yesterday
First kiss and I knew you changed the game
You have me, exactly, well you want it,
And I'm on it
And I ain't ever gonna let you get away
Holdin' hands never made me feel this way
So special, boy it's your, it's your smile

We so in love
La la la la
YeahWe so in love
La la la la la
And I just can't get enough
Of your
La la la la la
Yeah we so in love, love

I want you to know
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up (Oh boy, oh boy)
You're my every, everything that I could ever dream of
You are my baby love, my baby love
You make the sun come up (Oh boy, oh boy)
You're my every, every, every, everything

Been a minute and we still holding it down
Butterflies every time you come around
You make me, so crazy
It's crazy, oh baby
And I don't ever wanna be with no one else
You're the only one that ever made me melt
You're special, boy it's your, your style

and the part when will.i.am starts to rap, my main squeeze would come up on stage out of nowhere, rapping it for me, as i gaze into his lovely eyes, saying :

You're my always and forever
You're my sunshine
On my mind, constant
Think about you all the time
You're my everything

You my new school (love)
You my old school (love)
And it's so true
You're the one I'm thinking of

i know i have a vivid imagination, but it makes my toes tingle and the feel-good-feeling inside when i witness my friends one by one falling in love.

'you are my baby, baby, baby, baby love'

Class Outing !

2007-12-04T20:17:00.002+08:00

Overwhelmed by the WHAT IFs

2007-11-30T21:51:00.000+08:00

i had another double dosage of dance today again. and finally today was the last day of diploma lessons. i don't have to drag myself out of bed anymore for something that i have no interest in learning. well, at least for this year.

this year has passed by like a jolt of lightning, and the faces of A7 lingers in my mind. i was with girlfriend when joyce called her to tell her that both our classes, A7 and A2 will merge as one - A2. most of the people in A2 (the ones taking MOB) will be transferred out. the news would probably shocked the original A2ers even more, as A7 had probably more or less know the outcome.

this means i'll be in the same class as my girlfriend fiona, melvin, albert, melinda and many more. i have already discussed this issue with fiona and melvin - the possible outcomes, PW, and basically who's a threat and all that stuff. plus, we'll have a totally different new home tutor.

after girlfriend sent me till i boarded the bus home, i realized that my handphone was missing, and i started ransacking my back. i alighted at the next stop, trying to retrace my steps back to our usual hang out spot. deep down i though that this had to be retribution, as i took some rugby player's phone as he left it on the table (but the phone did get returned to him). thank god i was able to find my phone before i crossed the road, and the thought of fiona losing her phone came to my mind (it was stashed in my pencil case) .

so anyway i had long phone conversations with melvin, who congratulated me and he wanted to know all the dirty secrets, and conference with joyce, sara and michelle. indeed, the piece of news did overwhelmed us all in different types of emotions.

for me personally, i think i'm gonna friggin' suffer next year. i'm already busy with danceworks next year (with daily practices) and still have to attend modern dance twice a week, not forgetting diploma lessons every saturday, and oh my PW ! what if i'm involved in something major - like getting into council ? moreover A2 produced results which are fairly well done, and i'm just afraid that i couldn't catch up with my work. due to my busy busy schedule.

what if the clique faces conflicts and such? what if all us are too competitve with each other? what if we all fall apart ? what if -

'raindrops are falling on my head'

Double dosage

2007-11-28T20:42:00.000+08:00

i had double dosage of dance today - danceworks practice in the morning and modern practice in the afternoon.

i have to admit that i have no musicality what-so-ever in hip hop at all. however i am picking it up fast.

my body is aching, i have bruises all over and i am tired.
enough said.

'i'm walking too far ahead'

Ecstatic

2007-11-26T23:37:00.001+08:00

as if my life has been a fun joyous thrilling ride for me, it just got BETTER.

after pirouette-ing my way through the Danceworks auditions (not to mention that i actually forgot it was a hip-hop dance competition, i did contemporary instead) i actually made it to the team !

and my parents stop their nonsensical arguements and are actually more lovey-dovey than normal. and my baby brother khalid is getting smarter everyday, not forgetting the other genius brother of mine, faisal, whom had just completed his o level examinations and now enjoying his life too. and my sister farrah is actually staying out of trouble. i visited my grandmother yesterday, and she's healthy as ever, still able to joke with us. i love my family eventhough we're not binded. i wouldn't trade them with anything else in the world.

and eventhough diploma lessons were and still is a bore, the clique always makes it so happenin' ! i love love love spending time with my gf, joyce, ching ching, liwen, cindy, fan zhi, jor din, sara and lotsa people whom i meet that brighten up my day. crazy bunch that never fails to make me laugh.

i'm all geared up for next year, there's so much that's going on for me i can't help but thank God for all His blessings.

i'm way too ecstatic to care about anything else right now.

'let me be the one to - '

Ties that bind

2007-11-25T19:31:00.000+08:00

yesterday i met girlfriend as we were to go to revise our diploma module at bishan library. about forty five minutes into reading the damn diploma book, i got bored and started reading the long overdue david pelzer book. 15 minutes later, i turned to my girlfriend who was bobbing her head to some music and asked her "eh, want to go galavanting?"

so the two of us stared at the map at the mrt station for a good 15 minutes, pondering on where to go galavanting at. so we decided to just stay at bishan and i asked fan zhi to come down. we chatted and ate snacks provided by him and i could already see sparks - more likely fireworks in the sky.

today i finally went over to my grandmother's house for a visit. i had to wake up earlier than usual just so my parents won't leave me behind. my mom had the urge to show of her driving skills, so dad let her practice using the family car, however he refused to sit at the passenger seat, leaving her to wow my baby brother and i.

i must say my mom is not a bad driver at all, despite driving in the middle of both sides of the road. we stopped by at our new house to check up on the renovations before heading over to my grandma's place.

my baby brother, khalid, is uber adorable. since my has a humongous tummy, he smacked it realllllyyy hard, and when my mom asked him what's inside my dad's tummy, he actually said his baby sibling is inside. my grandmother's cat, dolly, attempted to scratced khalid's leg after he relentlessly provoked her. being defiant, khalid went "not pain at all" to the cat, and dolly, the not-so-friendly-towards-small-children cat, stared at my brother fiercly and then started to chase him. the scene is super hilarious.

after lunch, my dad had to go to yoga lessons to get rid of his tummy, leaving my mom, brother and i to explore fullerton hotel and its surroundings. i saw a couple held a wedding there, and when they alighted from the car, the tourists whom were staying there applaud for the couple as they make their way towards the ballroom. how sweet. and the bride's wedding dress is really posh and gorgeous.

i'm glad to say my day spending time with my family had been an enjoyable one.

'it feels good to be home'

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

2007-11-23T22:52:00.000+08:00

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?
Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds flyBirds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

i have been really good lately. like really really a good girl, courteous, caring member of the society. i have bumped into a lot of people who are visibly impaired lately and encountered a lot of incidences whereby i helped anyone that was in need, such as giving up my seat for the elderly or disabled or pregnant women or mothers with small children. recently, a woman asked if anyone has coins as she needs it to pay her bus fare, and i offered to gave her mine as no one else responded to her.

today, while fiona and i were on the train, we saw this visibly impaired man standing. so we wanted to gave up one of our seat to him. we were sort of arguing, in the sense that since both of us don't mind giving up our seat, but none of us actually dared to go up to him and asked him if he wanted to seat as his back was facing us. i could tell that the commuters around us were staring at us, and they would have probably thought that "gaddamnit, someone just give in already," as we were arguing pretty loudly. in the end i approached the visibly impaired man, and fiona was like "serious ah, serious ah?", however he refused my offer as he was alighting at the next stop.

my girlfriend, fiona, invited me to accompany her to visit her grandfather at the old folk's home as it was his birthday. she warned me millions of times of the environment there, the smell, the patients and everything else as she knows i'm a tai tai, but i kept reassuring her not to worry because i am composed. the ambience there was pretty much miserable, i was not taken aback at all by the environment. i tried to look as cheerful as i could to every patient i see, most of them in wheelchairs, and some with tubes stuck in their nostrils and all. fiona didn't really recognised her grandfather at first, and she was kind of shocked she saw him. it must be really agonising for her to see her grandfather at this state after not visiting him for so long, however one of the nurses informed her that he is actually getting better. that's definitely good news. i guess she was overcome with a ball of emotions, and somehow i felt it too.

we rushed down to meet melinda, joyce, jerome and fan zhi and we all had a good time crapping with each other. fan zhi's sister came over to gave him money and joined us for dinner. so as usual we made lots of noise and made a fool of ourselves in front of her, and she was like "it's okay, i was once like that too". goodness, in three years time i would be her age and i can't imagine myself not being crazy.

seriously, i can't help but thinking that i have been really good lately (except the fact that i wasted my dad's money when i skip diploma lessons). i haven't been in trouble with my parents in like ages. almost every other night my mom would go up and reprimand my sister for blasting her loud emo dark rock music (which truely irritates everyone else in the house) and she would then go to my room which is next to my room to check up on me. normally she would ask me not to sleep to late blah blah blah, but recently she's been extra nice to me, doing everything she could to satisfy my comfort. i guess she's afraid that i would grow up too fast as i am rarely at home in the day time, and she would randomly talk about marriage and working life to me. and she would actually let me walk out of the house in the evening, provided that i return home not too late (which i usually do as i don't really want to break her trust).

i couldn't have been more blessed right now, with my love ones and the opprtunities that has been thrown to me (i know i've mentioned this countless of times, but i really can't help the feel-good-feeling in me) and all the good deeds i've done made me feel a sense of rejuvenation in my heart.

P.S : thank you fiona for inviting me to visit your grandfather (((:

Potential over Passion

2007-11-22T21:07:00.000+08:00

fiona actually overcome her obstacles and stand firm on the ground, which is to refuse to go for the interview for the student leaders selection, and actually walked out of it, at the same time giving them a piece of her mind. i applaud her for that. she never wanted to be a student leader of any sort, and no one can force her into it.

joyce and i had to leave the diploma lesson halfway to go for the interview, but actually we were kind of thankful because the diploma lessons are starting to kill us slowly. we were greeted by some of the most prominent SCs, and they made us feel welcomed and tried to calm us down and all - really sweet people. at the same time they too bombard us with questions, like if we have the passion and commitment and all that. despite my calm dispostion towards this whole process, i could sense all the jittery and nerves in the waiting room, i couldn't lie that it did got to me.

i was kind of shocked when i entered the interview room when it was my turn. first of all, i thought that the interview would be similar to a typical oral examination, with at least two people (in this case) interviewing a candidate. but i was dead wrong, there's at least like slightly more than ten people observing you in the room, sitting in a semi-circle, and the candidate sat right in the middle of the room. i tried my best to hide my nerves and appear cheerful and confident - i think i did pretty well (despite the part where i kind of contradicted myself). i answered the questions with honesty, however i was kind of being my bimbotic self, but hey, i didn't really feel nervous when i started to speak and the panel of judges where all attentive at my response and actually returning back my smiles.

however there was this question asked by ms alicia ng which totally caught me in between my passion and my potential - choosing SC duties over dance. i tried to be as vague as possible, despite giving a half-hearted answer for that one. i felt at ease when i saw promising looks from my peers - yong sheng and farhana, my dance senior, who kept smiling at me which definitely calmed my nerves.

fiona and i then went to my house, supposedly to study for tomorrow's diploma exam, but we did very minimal studying after she used my laptop when i was asleep on my bed. i saw the online conversations she had when she used my account, and she said me and her had a twosome (which was some-what true), after all she is my girlfriend.

i read this conversation she had with fan zhi, and he told her that there are lice on crocodiles and ants are needed to get rid of the lice as ants would eat it up. being the gullible kukunehneh she is, she actually believed him. i can't stop laughing at her, and told her that lices only breed in animals with fur. then she said that she always thought that all animals have lice, and i had to confirmed with her if fishes have lice.

tomorrow would be such a long day in school, diploma lesson in the mornig followed by the exam on the previous module in the afternoon. stupid diploma classes made me miss dance practices. oh well, like it's so cliche, studies comes first.

'someday i'll wish upon a star'

No one else but us two

2007-11-21T21:23:00.000+08:00

i received a call from a rather agitated girlfriend :
"humaira can you go out now, i'm in the train already. the most idiotic thing happened to me."

so i got dressed as quickly as possible to meet her. as usual, i was late, but girlfriend doesn't seem to mind though. we had our meal at our usual place before going to the 'park' which was under the MRT tracks.

goddamnit, i'll definitely miss the convenience of meeting each other to have heart to heart talks when i move next year. it'll be the 5th time that i'll be moving in my 17 years of existence.

the conversations we usually have are filled with deep thoughts and each other's different opinions, usually heart-warming ones. seriously, if my girlfriend was a member of the opposite sex, i would fall head over heels in love with her. i truely enjoy the conversations we share. like what she said, we could simply pour out everything to each other. and she's one of the few people that i can do so with.

her stories never fail to inspire me, ever circulating my mind to think of the what if(s). she experienced life very differently than me, thus having a different view of how things work. similarly, i never fail to entertain her with my stories.

she's one of my many many girlfriends whom i don't want boys to steal her away from me. i would just snatch her back (but then again this things come naturally and can't be helped).

it's sort of a routine for me - if she has training, i would meet her afterwards, and we'll go to our favourite spots. if she doesn't, the gang would just hang out. and everything would probably change drastically starting from next year.

i ♥ my girlfriend.

'i'm so happy that i've found you, i'm no longer afraid'

Relief from my aches

2007-11-20T21:59:00.000+08:00

i received a call from a private number close to an hour ago, while i was having my private 'ME' time in my room,

"is this hu-hu-my-ree-ah, hu-myra ?"
"yes, speaking "
"this is yong sheng from student council"
"oooh hi yong sheng. remeber me ? that day you talked to me? i'm joyce's friend."
"huh i don't remember... what day was that?"
"remember, last week, the day you had your a levels. fiona was there too."
"oh, you're the basketball girl is it? i still think you like you're from MCS."
"i'm not from basketball."
"huh really ah. you cheated my feelings"
"i didn't say i was from basketball. cindy cheated your feelings because she told you so. i'm from modern dance."
"huh, you still look like a MCS member to me leh"
"how'd you get my number?"
"i want to know you mah. i got my own resources"
"ooooh, really ? for what?"
"cannot know you better is it?"
" dunno. i don't feel like it."
" aiyo, didn't you here me just now? i said 'my name is yong sheng from student council', haiyo."
"oh yeah, i forgot."

so he told me details blah blah blah...

"so what's your subject combination?"
"econs, geog and lit."
"eeee. so weird one."
"hello, it's not lor. actually a bit la."
"what did you get for econs, D?"
"no, E."
"oh i thought your econs very good one. geog? E?"
"no, D."
"wah not bad not bad. lit ? F?"
"no. i got an E."
"then MT. must be U one."
"hahaha, no i got a D. hahahaha."
"GP? U also ah?"
"i got a C for GP."
"whoa. ok ok, maths ? confirm A."
"eh how'd you know?"
"i got my resources. you want my number or not?"
"for what?"
"to get to know me better mah."
"oh, anything."
"so you don't want to know me ah? so sad. i don't give you lor."
"but i said anything, so it's your call. if you say so."
"haiz, i give you la."

that conversation brought comic relief to my oh-so tired body and mind.

as usual, we were late for diploma lesson and made a grand entrance to the ava room. i think the wole lot of us are notoriously known in the diploma lessons, making a lot of noise, skipping lessons and being tardy for more than 20 minutes per lesson. so tomorrow, we decided to make a change ! (we've been saying that for quite some time already, but the magic doesn't seem to happen)

i sat next to sara and we laughed and smack each other like crazy. we had to do a presentation and everyone pushed sara to present for the group, and she went "teenage, student ninja turtles" and "blarrdddeeee yelll", and the whole class was laughing with puzzled looks. super classic.

after diploma lesson, we (fiona, joyce, michelle and myslef) met amirah for a girls day out at island creamery. so we caught up with each other, me getting excited about ahem, michelle with her ahem, fiona with her playing basketball and her ahem ahem, amirah and her ooohh ahem and joyce with her not-so-secret ahem and other eyecandies.

we went for lunch at far east plaza after our dessert. we had a conversation on our encounters with the supernatural and then teletubbies, creeping ourselves out big time. we then head of to wisma atria to stop by topshop to say hi to huda and shikin and we had a glimpse of their work. next we went to heeren as joyce had to run an errand for the in-law and i bumped into serena who was working at one of the shops there.

indeed all of us were dead beat and wanted to go home as soon as possible, taking long bus rides so that all of us can have some time for shut-eye, as we rest our head against each other.

AND and ,
wait...

'come with me tonight, we can make the night last forever'

Must have done something right

2007-11-19T23:10:00.000+08:00

i just watched heroes, and there was this character, peter, whom after the women that loves gave a toast something about 'don't fall in love if it harms you'. he confessed to her after the toast, saying to her "i fell in love with you since the first day i set my eyes on you" and then there were awkward moments between the both of them. then a few scenes later, when peter was drenched wet under the rain, the women he loved pop out from nowhere and sheltered him with an umbrella, and then they share a passionate kiss.

my heart starts to melt, and i could feel tingles in my toes, and the song kiss me by sixpence none the richer kept playing in my mind that moment.

so today, like any other day, i had to go to school for diploma. i guess i am sick and tired of it already because I WANT MY FULL 2MONTHS OF HOLIDAYS. the lecturer for the new module is super entertaining and animated, constantly making the class laugh.

i rushed down to the dance room for the danceworks auditions. the 2 routines the instructer taught us were pretty tough, considering the fact that the timing was so fast, a lot of us start to lose count, thus forgetting our steps. we auditioned in threes, hell i screwed it up big time. i started doing turns whenenever i forgot my steps, and i totally forgot that i was auditioning for a hip hop competition.oh well.

met up with the rest (michelle, joyce, jordin, liwen, cindy, fiona and fan zhi) to play basketball and later to watch a basketball match. somehow the game doesn't interest me that much. so we were paired off, and michelle and i started having a chat, a thing i like to call 'gossiping'. dinner was fun, i was high for no reason (probably sharing the excitement with michelle), i started doing stupid stuff and making the whole table laugh. we were making so much noise by playing the animal and tempo game.

i must have something right, for the people around me are falling in love. playing the inconspicuous cupid, bringing joy to other people and to myself. this also means that i'll be the most biggest lightbulb in the world.

'and i know it's so cliche, for wanting to say having you is the best thing in my life'

When I'm legal

2007-11-18T21:11:00.000+08:00

in exactly 5 months time, i'll turn 18. by then daddy would reward me with a car, like all those girls from my super sweet sixteen, a television programme from MTV (no, i won't throw a huge party like them, because it's so out of my league). and i would have only to wait 3 more years till i turn 21, so that i can access my thrust fund. thrust fund = a lot of $$$ . then i can run away with it.

i'll be riding in my bright red cadillac convertible with louis vuitton seat covers, blasting to the tunes of timbaland, bobbing my head with my girls, making a nuisance of ourselves and attracting tons of attention.
subsequently, i'll use my money from the trust fund to travel the world.

i want to ride on a gondola in Venice, before it sinks.
i want to go to Egypt to see the pyramids and sphynx.
i want to go to Brazil and party the night away with the friendly locals.
i want to climb the great wall of China.
i want to go to Seychelles and laze around on the beach,play with the giant tortoises, buy a coco de mer.
i want to go to Germany and make hand-made frankfurts.
i want to go on a caravan trip, visiting all the states of America.
i want to feel the water droplets from Viagra Falls.
i want to go to the Caribbean, and bask in the warm Caribbean sun.
i want to sit in the middle of the Cameron Valley, and enjoy the rain drops on my skin.
i want to laugh out loud, with the kids who live in the slums of Calcutta.
i want to admire the Taj Mahal in the evening.
i want to visit Venezuela, and eat Venezuelan ice-cream,along with the lovely people over there.
i want to go to the Caribbean, and bask in the warm Caribbean sun.
i want to go on a safari in Africa.
i want to do the Haka dance with the New Zealanders.
i want to swim with the dolphins and rub noses with them in Australia.
i want to be blinded by the lights in Tokyo.
i want to meet Nelson Mandala and visit Mother Theresa's grave.

okay, i'm over-fantasizing.

'save me from this place, heaven knows that i've been waiting for you'

Let's see how far it goes

2007-11-16T23:21:00.000+08:00

the gang was suppose to be uber early for the last diploma lesson and all, BUT but, i just had to snooze my alarm many many times despite setting it at 6.30, but i only woke up at 7.50 (and my snooze interval is like 10 minutes).

so the last lesson for the module was rather fruitful - in terms of application in life. so the cat is out of the bag, and i kept teasing my girlfriend by playing the 'he loves me, he loves me not' game. and since i didn't have a flower with me, joyce made 2 paper flowers for me so that i can play ! so there i was, pulling out paper petals, chanting 'he loves me, he loves me not' , agonising the girlfriend. and both flowers stopped at 'he loves me not', and poor girlfriend was kind of upset.

and the lecturer was thinking what the four of us (liwen, fiona, joyce and myself) were thinking. when i was saying to them 'oh it's just a crush' , the lecturer went "you can get crushed by..." and when all of us went "it's not obvious" , the lecturer 'replied' us by saying "it's very obvious". we were laughong so hard that i could hear people from the front complaining "what is wrong with those people at the back" .

i had dance training straight after diploma lesson, and we had to do a routine. it involves holding up your entire body, with your legs straight up in the air, and then flipping yourself over with a style. obviously, i didn't get it, so i had to do it over and over again (and i still couldn't get it), and now my back hurts because it's filled with bruises (even my mother got a shock when i asked her to have a look-see). and the cat has been out of the bag again. as promised, i met with fiona and liwen, and cindy was there too, after my committee meeting and we went for a double date !

oh i saw ditsy today, my very first major crush. funny how i got over him. and now i can safely say that i some-what got over my second crush, pringles. like what fiona told me, the boys in school are not up to my caliber. in a way it is true, i think i act rather differently than most people, being brought up in such a sheltered environtment, close to a school for nuns.

and one more thing, i have YET to clean up my room.

'and i believe it all is coming to an end. oh well, i guess we can pretend'

Food for Happy People, part 2

2007-11-15T22:40:00.001+08:00

picture courtesy of sara ♥

i went to fiona's house early in the morning with joyce to make the gang in diploma lesson soba and takopachi. basically i peeled icky raw prawns (i didn't know bloody prawns are fresh), mix the takopachi batter, make the soba sauce, and sit at fiona's kitchen watching joyce and her cook, embracing the tai-tai in me.

so all the big eaters didn't turn up today, leaving poor fiona and joyce to carry the excess food. thank god jordin was willing to bring home the excess soba for his brothers (awwwww). in the end the 3 of us didn't go for diploma lesson, leaving us in a cat-and-mouse cahse when fiona received a message from albert saying that the lecturer is going to find us so we all better hide. and stupidly, we did, in the girl's bathroom, and for a good 45 minutes of camwhoring and what-nots.

we went to yishun after that to get fiona's hair snipped off, at the same time meeting jordin. while waiting for the girlfriend to get her hair styled, i was observing this aunty who was getting a hair treatment, at the same time getting a free massage. boy, it looks damn good.

i went home afterwards while the rest went back to the west, as i planned to clean up my room (which i didnt in the end) and get me some shut eye time. on my way home, there was this malay boy in school uniform with mild autism in the train, he looked frantic, and started to lightly bang on the mrt door. he then asked another boy dressed in badminton attire how to get to woodlands, and the boy told him to get off at the next station to take the opposite train. it so happened that the next stop was ang mo kio, where the station has an unused middle platform. the autistic boy merely wanted to climb over the barricade, before i stopped him and offered him help. i lead him downstairs to get to the other side, and along the way i asked him what school was he from, and he replied "Jurong JC,". in my heart i was saying to myself, "whoa, not bad". we parted and said goodbye, and i noticed that he kept turnig back.

i received a call from jack, a representitive from my diploma course, regarding my absence.

jack : humaira, why did you not go for lesson today?

me : oh i had something on. actually i overslept because it was raining.

jack : oh i see, how many times did you never attend lessons already? and tomorrow you must come for lesson because it is very important.

me : oh okay. i don't know how many times i didn't go for lesson. (actually i skipped 4 out of 10 already)

jack : i see. so how did you did you find the lecturer?

me : i think he's a bit soft, 'cause the people behind can't seem to hear him.

jack : thank you for your comments. if you didn't tell us we would have not known. and please come for tomorrow's lesson as it is very important.

so a little white lie didn't hurt.

i was awoken from my long beauty sleep by another call from the girlfriend. i hurriedly got ready to meet her, but in the end i was still late.

never have conversations underneath mrt tracks. it's so noisy.

and and and, tomorrow the whole lot of us plan to be uber early, for once in the whole diploma module as it is the last lesson. rejoice !

'how far is heaven'

Food for Happy People

2007-11-15T00:00:00.000+08:00

my room is so freaking messy - notes, handbags and cosmetics on the study table, storybooks on the hi-fi set, plastic bags from all that shopping, files and god knows what else. my countertop table next to my bed is messed up with cosmetics not packed in a bag, hair mousse and moisturizer, body lotions and whatever creams my mother placed there. when rachel and vanessa entered my room, their exclaimation was so shocking, its as if my room had went through a hurricane. literally. i have yet to clean it, eversince promos where my notes and assignments are all over the room and not filed, so i vowed myself to clean up my room after diploma lesson tomorrow, before i meet up with the girlfriend for a date.

earlier in the day, as planned, i invited rachel and vanessa over to my school to have a look-see. obviously vanessa was all for it, dragging poor tired rachel whom came home uber late the night before from choir rehearsal. so they arrived earlier than me (how typical, i'm always late whenever i'm meeting anyone), settled themselves in macdonald's without realising that the gang - joyce, jordin, liwen and michelle - were there too (actually they kind of figured it out after the gang sort of stared at them as they make their way up. vanessa called me on the stop and told me so, so i told them to introduce themsleves to them first, but they were shy).

after the introduction was made, the hell lot of us were more than 30 min late for diploma lesson, on top of all that, all of us went to the washroom to 'dry ourselves up' andd we took our own sweet time, sitting in class for a mere 20 minutes before the lecturer released us for break. so all of us rejoiced, where i reunited with my best friends a.k.a the gatecrashers and the tour guide for the day, jordin. we didn't return to class after that, only till the lesson ended where we went up to collect our bags.

the girls enjoyed themselves, they fell in love with my crazy, fun group of friends, which they said was nothing like theirs back at their colleges. so i was in a reeeaaaallllly good mood and kept eating like a pig. after lunch, rachel, vanessa, fiona and i headed to ang mo kio hub to eat at the ah mei cafe (mine and my girlfriend's favourite spot to eat). ordered a hell lot of food, because we are happy people. i have been eating lots of meals out lately, and still able to eat home cooked meals, so i hope i gain weight. fiona went to observe a basketball match, while the girls and i headed to my house to chill.

after they left, i slept like a log (great way to gain weight), only to awake myslef just in time to watch the new season of amazing race. there's lots of new television programmes that my eyes would love to feast on. i still have to get my priorities right though, like cleaning up my room.

'now you know what it's like, welcome to my life'

I miss you a lot.

2007-11-13T23:33:00.000+08:00

it takes only a person to ask one "who do you miss now ?" constantly to make one realize the person he or she misses the most.

and that particular scenario happened to me today.
no i don't miss that guy, the guy who gained weight nor the guy on the poster (people whom i clearly am infatuated with), none of these people came to my mind when fiona asked me the question above hourly.

ultimately, i miss my paternal grandmother. and i didn't know how much she truely mean to me till today.

it's close to a month since i last saw her, and i didn't really get to spend a lot of time with her. i blame it upon my parents whom both stop taking their children to visit their almost-a-century-old grandmother on a weekly basis like we used to. but then again, both are super busy and 3 out of 4 of their children are all grown up, and i'm sure that my siblings and i would find our own time to visit dearest grandma or at least even take the iniative to do so.

so i sat at the park in the dark, with the new girlfriend next to me.
and i cried because the feeling to me was so surreal, overly intense. i never knew how much i missed my grandmother. she seems to be my everything. she has given me a lot - she gave me my name, my identity, she was the first one to carry me when i was born, she raise me up, she took me in and took care of me when my mother could not cope with handling two toddlers, and she'll be the first family member who actually remembers my birthday and ring me up to wish me without fail.

i remember her sending me to school, bringing me overseas when i barely could walk, dress me up like a little doll, throwing birthday parties for me, pamper me with dolls and sweets and just shower with endless tender loving care.

and i come to a realization - after all that she has done to me when i was younger, this is how i repay her? what if she was gone just like that ?
my grandmother is stagnating in terms of health, as she age she'll definitely lose hope of living day by day, with really nothing to look forward to each day.

i've always wished that my grandmother would live till i she see me graduate from university, witnessing me receiving my hounours degree or masters on stage, with tears rolling down her cheeks as her granddaughter brought her so much pride and happiness, and witness my wedding day, sharing the joy with me and my husband, witnessing the birth of my first-born - basically witnessing me through all my accomplishments and the different stages of my life.

in God's name i pray :
bless my loved ones with health, and remove their selfishness and greed
bless my loved ones with happiness, and remove all their sorrows
Amin.

'need to be loved'