I wanna hold his hand, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Hello, Mr Tough Guy


Christmas Eve was spent at Angela's, she and her boyfriend Mervyn had invited us for dinner, plus Merv's childhood friend and his girlfriend, so there was 3 couples eating halal turkey and a wide range of side dishes. We all had a hard time cutting the turkey, none of us knew how to do it, so Merv took out 3 different knives and using a small fork, the turkey was in pieces in no time. The guys talked about NS days, since Fariz is going through right now and both Merv and his friend are 23, both with experiences in how to cheat-your-way-through. Angela passed me a stack of other school's prelim papers, and if that didn't scared me enough, I saw her billion notes all over her room (it's the post-exam thing where your notes are all over the place). Oh my, she takes the same combi as me except for GP, and she's from an acclaimed junior college. I was envious of her lit assignments 'cause she has tons of them! I mean I believe that the literature students in my school have a lack of practice, probably one of the reasons why we're not doing so well in that subject. And Angela has a lot of materials for literature, too bad we're not doing the same books.

So this A-level thing next year got me worried. Not only me but baby too (we plan to do the same degree and go for masters together). I barely can remember what I learnt for the past year and there's a lot of brushing up and 3 years of hard work crammed into 1.

The next two days was spent with baby, we watched The Kite Runner on my laptop.

In my opinion, I think I'm the suckiest girlfriend ever. I lied to him a couple of times, but its those little white lies to cover yourself from getting into trouble. I told him months back that I hadn't been really covering up (but I do now) and just weeks ago I lied about not going home alone late in the dark. It meant the world crashing down on him when I told him the truth, he took these seriously and I totally disappointed him. I felt super guilty afterwords.

Us being in a serious relationship, we were suppose to tell each other everything. There were other events recently happened that got him really mad about me. The most recent one was that I didn't tell him about this guy who've been hitting on me. He totally shot me down there, it affected the both of us very much. We have been fighting a lot, but there are an equal share, if not more happier times; what makes it worse is that he's away and we can't meet each other the very next day to make it up. Most of the fights are caused by me, my stupid mistakes, if not those fights get heated because of the both of us. I've learn from him to give in more, he usually ends the fights, while me still being hot-headed and stubborn would just prolonged it. But I guess I'm getting better at this patience-and-giving-in thing, but its a long way to go. His problem is not letting go of the past, but slowly and surely with my assurance and undying love for him, he'll get over that.

It's been two days since he booked in, these two days I've been sleeping in due to the cough medicine i took, reminiscing all those Saturdays at the Botanic Gardens. I miss having picnics there with baby, NS sucks, he agrees with me too, and right now my baby is spending his free time playing chinese chess while I finish up this post.

And just like that,watch the chemicals react

"I heard you make keys as a hobby."
"Yes."
"Do you enjoy making keys?"
"Obviously."
- Marie Antoinette, 2006


I am down with fever, and I feel uber restless, I can't eat, I can't study, I can't really talk because my throat hurts, I feel really restless. I keep going to the toilet every 5 minutes, and and I manage to swallow a pill in ages. (I hate taking medicine, especially pills. I could never really swallow them, I'd always puke them out.)

Fariz baby has been such a dear, telling me constantly to take care of myself, he's been sneaking text messages to me, even though he's not suppose to over there.

My days have been filled with council stuff, orientation and induction over and over again, it's damn tiring when our creativity has been slammed down by the one who likes to talk about the plane analogy. The school is so rigid, it's super annoying and boring. Our plan B was to take random colours as clans : red, blue, yellow, green, since they wanted dynamism. Plan C was to name the clans after fruits : apple, orange, banana, pear. The theme; 'A Fruitful Year Ahead'.

Yesterday I suddenly received a message from a friend. I found out from another friend, whose brother is good friends with her brother, that she was pregnant about two months ago. She officially broke the news to me that she was 6 months pregnant. She filled me in in all the details, and what I've been missing out on. So today I accompanied her to the hospital for her regular check up. She wasn't the only young mother there, there were at least two to three others. I admire her spirit to move on from a mistake, firstly she's a Catholic, and like Islam, pre-marital sex is considered one of the biggest sins next to converting to another religion. The reason why she decided to tell me the big news kinda late (we've been good friends since primary school) is because when she just found out, it was very chaotic. She would tell me stories about her family and her church and how her friends would psycho her to abort the baby. Its almost settle now, she's keeping the baby, and they (her bf and her) are to wed next year.

Society is no doubt harsh on those who don't follow the norms. I could sense the people around us stealing stares and glares and whispers today. And I heard about teenage mothers keeping blogs to tell the whole world about what they are going through, from their boyfriends leaving them to the progress of their pregnancy, and there are people who are ignorant, saying all this mean things to these young mothers of how they are so shameless to tell the whole world what they did.

I don't think these girls chose to get pregnant, although I've come across youtube videos about 15 year-olds desperately wanting to have a baby 'cause all their friends have one, but things like this is unavoidable in reality, its a matter of how one handles the consequences.

The thing about my friend that I admire the most is how calm and collected she was at the hospital. .I was there like a noob, fascinated by the funny sounds that the sound scanner makes, anticipating for the scan pictures and look at the doctor in awe. The last time I experienced such stuff was when mommy got pregnant with Khalid 5 years ago. She tells me about her daily routine, the problems she was facing, I'm really glad that her family had come to accept the fact the she was going to have a child, it makes it a lesser burden for her. Before we parted, she invited both me and Fariz over, as well as to her ROM and church wedding. I hope her new lease of life would be a blissful one.

Happy Anniversary

Fariz booked out on Thursday noon 'cause he need to transfer company. He was supposedly to book in on Friday night, but since today is our anniversary (I was anticipating today 'cause we've been together for officially one year!) and he wanted to escape Tekong to celebrate today. So yesterday he took MC from the polyclinic, the thing is he was really sick and he got MC for today and tomorrow, but not on Friday itself. He informed his platoon commander about it. Later at night some chief-in-charge called him and told him that he had to book in by 11 pm 'cause he didn't take MC on Friday (which is the original day that he was suppose to book in). So Fariz rushed home to pack his stuff. The both of us thought it was kinda stupid to retain him for the night just because he didn't get an MC for that day. Fariz being Fariz, had some plans up his sleeve, he rubbed his eye with his own saliva at first when he stepped in Tekong to fake his dunno-what commander that he has a sore eye. He made it was this morning by rubbing his eye with toothpaste. He just wanna get out of there by today.

The first time Fariz called me in the morning was to inform me that he had to go to the medical centre to re-confirm his MC/sickness or something like that so him booking out was still pending. He called me again to tell me the bad news of him being retained there till Christmas Eve, and he had to wait at the sick bay with nothing to do. Poor guy, he was really depressed about not spending time with me today, him transferring to a different company and have to start this confinement week all over again makes it worse. Plus, he's phone went flat during the day, and he didn't bring a charger (but thank God one of his friends has a portable one, so he's really desperately saving his battery so that it won't go flat). Not to say that I'm depress too, I feel sad that he's not here today and I didn't get to talk to him much. Before he got enlisted, when the both of us didn't have plans on that day and we stayed at home, we would usually check up on each other every half an hour.

The deranged me would run away with the lover to Gretna Green, get married, live in a cosy hut in the village, pop babies, and bake cupcakes and cookies for a living. I just miss my baby a lot.

For you a thousand times over

In the midst of reading this book, I suddenly wonder, will I ever met anyone like Hassan, or have I already met people who resembled like Hassan. In the book, Hassan is pure, true to his words, would go the distance for his loved one. The unimagineable things that he had to go through just for his friend Amir, he never complains or ask for anything in return, he just hides his pain.

In an instant, I thought about Fariz. Fariz, in a way towards me, reminded me of Hassan to a certain extent. He has always been protective of his feelings, I guess you need to poke him in the eye so that he will show some form of pain. He has been criticized over a million of times, his tough exterior was just an agenda of his pain inside. He is a truely remarkable character, I was annoyed at the sight of him at first but he grew onto me, and look where we'd end up now. He's always so protective of me in different ways. I guess when one had experienced something horrible that would scar him for life, one would naturally take extra precautions and won't take anything for granted.

(He's doing fine in the army by the way. Currently sick, but he wants to get sicker so that they'll send him home. He would get all excited whenever he amuses me with his Tekong stories and would go 'Army teach me this' and 'Army taught me that', and of course 'army haven't teach me yet' . He text and calls me whenever he cans, making sure that he doesn't miss anything in my life. And the next time I'll get to see him is Christmas Eve, I think, and that's like 2 weeks from now.)

I just had to post this excerpt, not because my name was mentioned, but there was a form of reality being conveyed:

"Did I ever tell you I was almost married once?"

"Really?" I said, smiling a little at the notion of Rahim Khan getting married. I'd always thought of him as Baba's quiet alter ego, my writing mentor, my pal, the one who never forgot to bring me a souvenir, a saughat, when he returned from a trip abroad. But a husband? A father?

He nodded. "It's true. I was eighteen. Her name was Homaira. She was a Hazara, the daughter of our neighbour's servants. She was as beautiful as a pari, light brown hair, big hazel eyes... she had this laugh...I can still hear it sometimes." He twirled his glass. "We used to meet secretly in my father's apple orchards, always after midnight when everyone had gone to sleep. We'd walk under the trees and I'd hold her hand... Am I embarrassing you, Amir jan?"

"A little," I said.

"It won't kill you, " he said, taking a another puff. "Anyway, we had this fantasy. We'd have a great fancy wedding and invite family and friends from Kabul to Kandahar. I would build us a big house, white with a tiled patio and large windows. We would plant fruit trees in the garden and grow all sorts of flowers, have a lawn for our kids to play on. On Fridays, after namaz at the mosque, everyone would get together at our house for lunch and we'd eat in the garden, under cherry trees drink fresh water from the well. Then tea with candy as we watched our kids play with their cousins..."

He took a long gulp of his scotch. Coughed. "You should have seen the look on my father's face when I told him. My mother actually fainted. My sisters splashed her face with water. They fanned her and looked at me as id I had slit her throat. My brother Jalal actually went to fetch his hunting rifle before my father stopped him." Rahim Khan barked a bitter laughter. "It was Homaira and me against the world. And I'll tell you this, Amir jan: In the end, the world always wins. That's just the way of things."

"So what happened?"

"That same day, my father put Homaira and her family on a lorry and sent them of to Hazarajat. I never saw her again."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Probably the best, though," Rahim Khan said, shrugging. "She would have suffered. My family would have never accepted her as an equal. You don't order someone to polish your shoes one day and call them 'sister' the next."

An addiction; if you wanna get hooked on it

*EDIT*


Saturdays are Hanging out-shopping-gossiping-chilling-movie watching- laugh laugh laugh-and make a fool of ourselves sessions with the girls. We went over to our childhood hotspot back in those days when we wore the royal blue pinafore (of course the colour faded over time), Parkway Parade, having lunch together and hunting for a boutique owned by a pair of twins who were former schoolmates. We got bored of hunting, since we already made plans to go over to Rachel's. We rented 'Marebito', a japanese horror film by the same directors of 'Ju-On'. The four of us squeeze into one couch, hiding under each others' arms and screamed occassionally when the movie has those creepy, eerie sound effects. We didn't really get the movie, the plot was complicated, it wasn't that horrific after all, there wasn't really any ghosts or spirits. It was about this lunatic cameraman who wanted to study the feeling of fear and how it came about. So he watched numerous suicidal videos and videos of people getting tortured (like in the movie Saw). He went to the underworld realm (which is the subway tunnels of Japan), met the guy who was from a suicidal video clip he watched (he committed suicide in a subway by poking his eye and he claims to be not dead, so it could be the cameraman's figment of imagination) who told him about this robot-like creature called deros (this part I don;t really get), and found supposedly his daughter chained up and bruised and naked. He brought his animalistic daughter home, she can't speak niether can she walk, she does so in a ll fours, she doesn't eat nor drink, we later found out that she feeds on blood when the cameraman came home with a bleeding wound and she starts sucking on his fingers. He even cut himself to feed her occasionally, to the extreme of cutting his tongue where his daughter just sucks his mouth as if she was kissing him. He became so obsessed with keeping his daughter alive, to the point where he kills his ex-wife (the mother of his daughter) and a random victim, and collecting all their blood in big jerry cans just to feed his daughter. The ending left us baffled. So we watched a really bad horror flick.




Rachel's dad upgraded their house from a 2-storey semi-d with a pool and fish pond to a 3-storey semi-d with a pool and fish pond. The third floor was more of a recreational room, she had like a ppol table which can be fliped over to a table tennis table. We played both games, none of us were really good at any of them but we laughed our way through.Vanessa claimed that she was Ronald Susilo's wife and got really hyped up whenever the table tennis ball was bouncing. Deepana put in so much strength into serving the ball, the ball hit the ceiling fan countless of times. Playing pool was a disaster. We cheated our way through, placing the white ball wherever we want, in the end everybody wins.





It got darked and windy so we went out to the balcony to chillax. Came-whoring session was semi-disastrous too, the place was to dark even with lights on, and the flashes were not bright enough. In the end we looked like the 'ghostly' characters from the movie we watched earlier.

Look at Vanessa tip-toeing to reach Deepana's height.

I was surfing the net while the rest explored Rachel's law books. Gosh, I think I need a haircut.

We had dinner by the pool, courtesy of her mom who ordered us pizza. Rachel's house has always been our one-day resort.

The pool looks beautiful at night, and us girls imagined ourselves skinny dipping when there was no one else around.

Rachel doesn't know the switches around her home, she also doesn't know her way around the kitchen, she doesn't swim, doesn't play pool/table tennis/sing karaoke at home, so unlike her other family members. We would love to push her in her own pool one day.




Something very random, ice lemon tea tastes disgusting when you just brushed your teeth.

I want my Baby back

So the day that Fariz went NS finally came. It's the fourth day since he'd been there, and I miss him terribly. He tries his best to text and call me whenever he cans. He said currently he has to sit for lotsa (boring) lectures and he would often fall asleep. I would tease him to pay attention in case he doesn't know how to defend the country. He also mentioned that he's uniform is way too tight 'cause they don't have a bigger size, but the officers assure him that he's gonna loose weight so that the uniform would fit perfectly. He already got reprimanded for losing two of his badges 'cause he accidentally put it in a plastic bag which has a hole and it probably dropped somewhere. Poor boy, the food there isn't that good either (as expected), he said that he has 20 min for a meal, including qeueing and tapping his 11b or something like that. That leaves them like 5 min to eat (and then he jokes around about how he's gonna implement this system to me to make me eat faster). Oh he's in the same bunk with my SC senior, and each of his bunk mates and himself gave themselves really weird nicknames like Hump and YoYo. Fariz's long string of vulgarities has gotten longer, he just claims that that's how the people there speak, filled with vulgarities and hokkien and cantonese phrases. He also claims that those females who are in NS look like guys.



Both of us did manicures for each other days back before he left for Tekong.

Me taking a picture of him taking a picture of the sunset at West Coast Park Jetty.

I remember one of the days when we were talking on the phone constantly, I mentioned that I would love to see the sun set. So on our first date, he took me to the WCP jetty. Back then there were barriers all over 'cause it was still under construction, but we sneaked in anyway. We sat at a spot where there was a tree blocking half of our view, and I remember I was so nervous that I kept looking at the tree whenever we talked.

I'm relieved he is well taken care of at Tekong, and he made many new friends, and many familiar faces. I can't wait to see him botak and in that army uniform and his goatee off, it'll be his new trend for now.

I love you baby. God is watching over you for me.

My blog is now private, temporarily

Daddy's being a ________ cause he confiscated my sister's laptop and poke through her stuff which would lead to any piece of information about my life. As such I had to make all my accounts private, including the boyfriend's accounts. After going online with a display picture of Fariz and I together, daddy being all strict asks me one million and one true accusations and religious comments. This pisses me off, and since he's gonna keep that laptop for quite some time, and my sister's Windows Live account is automatically signed in whenever the laptop is on, I have resorted to blocking my sister (which is actually my dad) on messenger. Maybe I'm over-paranoid about my dad finding out stuff that I do behind his back, but I just don't want him to intrude into my life, he has never really stepped in in the first place. He only does so when money is needed for school etc. There's just no bond between us.

So if anyone or if that anyone's friends want to read my posts, please do approach me, I don't mind adding anyone really. My blog's gonna be temporarily private till my sister gets her laptop back.