To the best friend I never had

when i was 4 years old, i had an imaginary friend. i can't remember her name though, but i knew she was my only outlet for my inner thoughts and feelings. somehow since way back then, i've always chose to bottle up my feelings and keep it within myself. i guess i don't see a need to bother anyone with my emotional turmoil, either that or i didn't fully trust that person.

so for all these years i've been bottling up all my inner deep emotions. i've been dealing with it on my own, forever thinking that i am strong enough to overcome my emotions before it takes control of me. i was my own best friend. but somehow things did not go as i wish it could and i did let my emotions take over, i'll get hysterical.

my mother had always told me that whenever i have any doubts or problems in life i should always tell my parents. however, how am i gonna open to them when they didn't open up to me in the first place?

in one way or another, there's always a gap between me and my countless of good friends. they would usually share with me their secrets, some about something so dignified such as losing their virginities, others with the typical feelings for the opposite sex. i do share with them my secrets as well, but not those inner thoughts/feelings type. just something on the surface. everyone that i eventually get super close with didn't manage to crack me open.

sometimes i do feel invisible to everybody. i feel that nobody knows me, that nobody sees me, nobody feels what i felt, nobody sees how i really am. except my best friend that i never had.

it took me 14 years since i've developed secrets of my own for someone to really break that bottle within me. i've finally found the best friend that i yearn for all these years. i have never had that connection i with anyone else but him. for once, i didn't feel like i was living in a different world from everyone else, but that, in fact, there's a person, a person i love and respected, who had a piece of my heart (or more), who felt the same way.

to the best friend i never had,
where have you been all these years ?
oh wait, you've told me the answer already;
you've been searching for me too.

CIP loves

yesterday's cip day was a blast. my mom told me not to go to school yesterday and leave it as a one week holiday for me but i insited on going. helped out wherever i can as i was so clueless in the preparation stuff. baby came to help out impromptu, with the permission of my home tutor. but everything went smoothley and everyone enjoyed themselves.

and i didn't know that the organisation is so near my house. went back home after having a super duper late lunch 'cause my nose was getting wheazy again. it sucks to be sick. and now i have to brace myself for a jam pack week ahead. i need to recuperate.

Leave Britney alone!

dude, britney your best friend ah?

House of Mutes

sometimes i wonder if we, children, misunderstood our parents, or is it if they misunderstood us.
i can't stand my parents now, it's on the verge (or already is) turning into hatred towards them. it's plain cruelty and unfairness to shot me down and not letting me lead my own life and actually have my own privacy and allowing me to date, or at least have guy friends. my parents think that i'm only allowed to eat, sleep, breathe with females and only females. males are non-existent in my life.

so what if there's this really really special male in my life? so what if i get intimate with him. i'm only human.

my dad says "men actually pay a lot of money to actually touch a woman (marriage). if men touch you for free you are considered cheap".

fuck. so my daddy's calling me a prostitute now.
i might as well run to gateway hotel and join the troupe of prostitutes, since it's just across my house.

you know he could just lecture me and put in nicer terms, at least not to make me feel so low. i didn't know my dad didn't have a heart, and by my dad's brainwashing techniques, my mom's in it too.

my parents don't even now the real me. at home i'm some hermit-crab, locking myself in my bedroom, rarely talking to anyone. in school i'm a whole different person. it's not my fault that i chose to stay quiet and mute at home. now they're complaining. more like my dad. it's not my fault that they didn't approach to me or any of my siblings and actually open up to us first and making the first move to ask "how's your day?" since we were young. fuck, no wonder all your kids are mutes dad. 'cause you yourself is a mute, one who can't speak. only know how to scold. and we only know how to ask money from you. 'cause you have never bothered to get to know what we're doing in school, what cca we are in, what's our classes, what we're studying in school, how old are we. fuck you know nothing about your own children. at least mom nows a teeny weeny bit, but hell yea, both of them are still clueless.

and you know what's the sad part about my family? we stopped celebrating each other's birthdays. it just started this year, my sister's birthday being the earliest. no one wished her happy birthday on her big day. and it was a sunday. not a single soul in the house. except for me. and that was only through friendster. isn't it sad? she had a lonely 14th birthday, no cake, nothing at all. i would cry in a dark corner if i were her, but she kept it strong and shove the thought away. same thing happened with my brother. i bet he spent his whole birthday with his girlfriend, i would do the same thing.

and i find it simply not fair that i didn't get a chance to have a healthy relationship with my soulmate. didn't you fall in love when the both of you were 17-18-19? i doubt so, 'cause if they do, at least they have the heart to guide me in my first and last serious relationship. but they don't. they want me to end it. so what if he's a pakistani dad or he's not good-looking according to you. i bet more girls fell for him compared to you when you were his age, since you're the biggest mute anyway. you and mom don't know him the way i do, heck the both of you don't even bother. so why pass judgement just like that, and fyi, i've learnt that not all men crave for sex when they get into a relationship with a woman.

in this house of mute, at least 3 kids, ranging the ages of 14-18, live separate lives, in their own bedrooms, in their own worlds, in their own schools. they share a common thing - their ignorance towards their parents.

On sick leave

i have never been a fan of paracetamol, or any other pills that is. it's just soooo hard to swallow and uberly icky with a funny disgusting taste.

duh, that's why its called medicine.

my syrup for my horrendous phlegm really does look like phlegm, from the way it oozes out of the bottle and it's greenish-yellowish colour. yucks. it tastes horrible to. but not as bad as paracetamol.
all my medicine said that it may cause drowsiness, it's sure effective 'cause the next 20 min later i'll be falling asleep, and probably would wake up 2 hours after that.
oooh did you know cough medicine is made up of cockroaches' pee? i didn't know that till baby told me.

sigining out yesterday was fast and painless compared to everyone's elses expriences of signing out. i guess i got lucky. it was my first time signing out of school, and the school clerk was rather stunned and made little remarks that i have never signed out of school before. well, there's a first time for everything. i'm no longer a signing-out virgin. thanks joyce for accompanying me (: .

i went to school for the release of the PW question and stayed for gp. gp lesson was fun. since only the 6-7 of us had done our timed assignment, we had to the AR thingy with our gp tutor. then we flipped through vogue and made relentless comments on the models' boobs and even our own boobs, as well as the clothes on the various adverts. it was the most fun gp lesson ever, brings back the times in KC whereby the girls and i skipped the weekly assembly programme to do the exact same thing.

went to my grandmother's house last night with my mom and my sister and khalid. my aunt had some facial demonstration thingy and i was sooooo drowsy that i was falling asleep.

i have 3 days of MC. yayness.

Blurted out

so the whole world knows about abang phareeez by now when i went over to my grandma's place just now.

thanks to my super duper adorable baby brother khalid for shouting my boyfriend's name out loud in excitement.

i should have never let khalid snatched the phone from me whenever i'm talking to fariz.

i think i shouled get khalid a mini PSP for babies or something so that my little cute annoying brother would get himself occupied and kept his mouth shut. well that's what i hoped.

Bullshit

school starts tomorrow and i have not completed all my assignments.
i call it plain procrastination.
baby calls it bullshit.

BFFL

rachel tan ying ying finally wore make-up when deepana and i met up with her. nothing heavy, simple mascara to elongate her uber short eyelashes and a bit of eyeshadow. she said she wanted to blend in with the students in her new private diploma school whom she said the girls wore heavy make-up. she dresses more maturely too, ironically the clothes she wore that day wasn't handpicked by her but by her dad. she hates to go shopping.

and i was commenting on how deepana's legs were shiny after she shaved her hairy legs and rachel went "oh you have to shave your legs ?", and i replied her with "i bet rachel you don't even shave". and she agreed. rachel's a more naked mole rat than me. not fair.


i can't wait for her pool party when she turns 18 on the april 12. 6 days later it'll be my turn. she's the oldest of us 4 and the shortest. i promised her that i'll get her a korean husband since she's so crazy about korea for no reason. singaporean guys don't suit her anyway. this girl is gonna be a full time tai-tai or a career woman in the future, at least i know how to sweep the floor.

the other day i had conference with my girls, and i told them that i was elected to be president. they laughed at me, considering the fact that i was one of those criminals in KC that never get caught for trouble. deepana, vanessa and rachel have pretty clean records compared to me and nisa. after all, nisa and i were partners in crime. so the 3 thought it'll be cool to see me run and turn the school upside down if i do get the post. deepana was kinda pissed at this girl in MI called deepana 'cause she thought that she's the only deepana in the world. and she was so dishearten by the fact that there's another deepana.

fariz and i play the silliest games to entertain ourselves. we invented this left-right game after talking about drink-driving and i always gave in too early. he easily gets amused by me. i have no idea why.


there was this time in school recently that both jai and him partner up to re-bully me like last year. i miss last year, everybody was more carefree and the workload and pace wasn't that shitty.

i don't want school to start so soon.

Pushing Up the Daisies (a.k.a inanimate)

4 hours and 15 min till my presidential speech is due to be e-mailed to the SC teachers and i have no idea what to say about myself, totally pointe blank. so people, please take pity on me, and don't laugh at me when i go on stage to recite my speech, and vote for the best candidate that totally deserve the title and authority (i'm so not directing it at myself).

die die die. i feel so brain dead.

so i went home alone in such a long long long time since baby send me home every single day, on which i recently found out the reason why he was so concern about my safety. i asked my mom to pick me up from the train station, but she decided no to because 1)it already stopped raining and 2)she wanted to watch american idol.

i was kinda pissed with her for a little while, she chose tv over me, her tired daughter who has to walk for 7 minutes in her drenched sneakers just to get home. alone.

on my way home i couldn't think of anything to write about in my speech, all i could think of was baby and his dark past and the fact that he couldn't send me home like he always do. i started tearing a lot in the train, 'cause everyone knows that PMS brings out the emotions in everyone, and i missed him so baddddddddd that i wish that we couldn't parted. and i actually forgot that the both of us were no longer in the same school untill it hit me when i walked back home and cried some more, only then i realize that things aren't going to be the same anymore. and i hate to get myself accustom to changes 'cause i take such a long time to adapt. i guess i'll be slightly or rather inanimate in school without him around.

supposedly it's the march holidays but poor me have to go back to school for diploma lessons and dance camp. hate diploma lessons but can't wait fo dance camp. i'm so gonna bring my homework over to dance camp.
somehow, the holidays reminded me of playhouse mooney days, and how baby and i fell for each other (technically he had a crush on me first, then way after that i had a crush on him). i love those courtship days, where baby woos me and attempted to win me over, even though he kept insisting that he felt confident in getting me, 'cause i'm such a sucker for boys who bully me all the time. he still does, he's my biggest bully ever, ironically my biggest love too.

my sister has a japanese boyfriend. or soon-to-be-boyfriend. how cool.
i have a pakistani-arab-malay boyfriend, even cooler.
but i think my sister and i are the coolest, 'cause we're arab-indian-chinese-arab-chinese. haha.

i love my sister. funny i use to dislike her too, like the way i dislike Fariz the obnoxious big big big bully.

this only illustrates that there are different sides to people and you should give them a chance. seriously.

damn i miss my baby boy soooooo badddddd.

i hope i get my sanity back 'cause i really need to work on my speech.


P.S : Happy pre-3rd Monthsary Baby ♥
3 down forever and ever and a happily ever after to go

Claudine

i wish i could dance in the meadows during summer, when the flowers start blooming. i would be wearing a white flowy dress, where it rides up whenever i twirl, and me tripping over, rolling around, giggling and making fun of myself. i won't feel embarrassed in any way 'cause there's no one there to laugh at me but my soulmate.

Instinct

i just have this feeling that daddy still hates me for what i've done.
oh well.

i'm tired of sneezing already.