I Miss You

Pictures of you.

I have been having recurring dreams about me in my grandmother's house, looking for her, but she's always in her room, and when I woke up, I would often found myself in tears. Then I'll just continue to cry of the thought that I miss my grandmother reaaalllyyy bad. Even though it's been like 4-5 months since she passed on, I still haven't moved on - I don't think I will ever will, 'cause the biggest regret was not being there during her last moments, thanking her for raising me up and for everything she did to me, apologising her for all my wrong doings, but most importantly, I didn't even get to say goodbye to her.

I remember on the day when she passed away, everyone was getting ready to visit her at the hospital, since my mom just got back from Indonesia and the boys have yet to see her since she was admitted. And I - I was getting ready to watch ACJC's production of Pride and Prejudice. It was my fault to put school above everything else on that day, just because the play was kinda compulsory to go. Thank God baby was just next to me when I received the news. I wouldn't know what I'd do if I was by myself, probably getting all hysterical and crazy.

Re-thinking the whole event again, if God where to put me in my grandmother's ward during her last moments with the rest of my family, I would be all hysterical and crazy. But I wasn't on that day, I was rather calm when I got back home, I was calm when I faced my grandmother's body, cleansing her motionless, cold body, with just a few tears. And I appeared rather reserved as compared to most of the adults there, and I thank God for that, giving me strength to face the painful truth, and for guiding my younger siblings in the whole rituals. Come to think of it, I guess stuff like this happens for a reason.

And I remember that on the night that my grandmother passed away, I could sense her spirit in my room, and it stayed till dawn. Her scent was so strong, I couldn't have mistaken myself. Her spirit had watched over me as I sleep that night, just like she used to when I was a kid. And the amazing thing is that I was the only one who felt her presence during the seven days that her spirit was still on earth. Now I wish I could sense her again, but it's mere impossible, I guess the only place that I can see her again is in my dreams.

FYI, I got that big nose of mine from her.